Rejected, dejected, she writes her pain in the form of a score. Seven instruments, three voices, and eighty-six sheets of paper later, she still feels like shit.
Not gonna lie, stuff like this pops into my head at random times. Yes, I see a story forming from those two sentences. Yes, it could be big. No, it will never be written. I don't have the time or effort to write stories about all the little blurbs I think up.
I was writing a story not long ago. As I'm writing this post, I'm searching to see if I still have it saved somewhere. In many ways, this story was my own. A girl had panic attacks, became home schooled, and found refuge in a guy on the internet. Just to make things clear, I never found refuge in a guy on the internet... Just so ya know. ;) But anyway, the story was gonna be good, but I stopped. The reason why for this story is simple: I started dating Mitch and had a hard time putting myself in the mood I needed to be in to write. Sure, it sounds silly, but it's true. I can't write something unless I have the feeling behind it.
Another project I've somewhat postponed is a musical detailing the effects of depression and anxiety. The reason I've stopped this one? Dunno. Probably just laziness. Will it get finished? Eventually. I just dunno when.
It's funny how attuned to adrenaline I've become. I can feel the slightest amount weaving in and out of the muscles of my arms and legs and even the slightest amount of adrenaline can put my stomach in knots. I don't know what I was thinking to have that tiny bit of adrenaline pump into my limbs. The adrenaline is enough to make my hands shake just the slightest bit and my mind jump from one topic to another.
The adrenaline has a very distinct feel, and after all these years of learning how it feels to have even a drop of the stuff coursing through my blood, it's no wonder I can feel it when I least expect it. It feels like a slight burning in my muscles. Right now, the burning is so trivial that it's hardly there. The burning doesn't really hurt, per say. You know in the beginning of summer when the sun has just begun to heat up the blacktop and you're walking on it barefoot? You know the feeling of the blacktop on your feet, where it's hot enough to keep moving, but not hot enough to really burn? That's how my muscles feel right now.
Now, I've already made this connection a while ago, but for those of you who haven't, I'll show you the link now. The sensation I described above is the reason that I sometimes shake when I have panic attacks. When I shake, there's enough adrenaline in my system to disrupt something, and I have to get the extra energy out somehow. So I shake. Sometimes taking a walk or riding my bike helps, but sometimes my muscles do funny things and I can't stand up, let alone do any sort of activity.
I'm drifting off to sleep because it's almost 1 am. I want to go to church in the morning, but I'm thinking it'll be tomorrow evening when I get there. Oh well. I need to sleep anyway, and it's not like I believe in the same God they're talking about. xD Yay paganism.
Anywhoozle, good night. ((:
Btw - I hope Germany or Spain wins the World Cup. xD
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