I Can't Sleep

I didn't take my meds tonight. I was talking on the phone with Mitch. Our conversation was kind of odd. It got me thinking about myself.

Then, I had a panic attack. )): First one in a really long time, too. *sigh* I was thinking some... not so nice things about myself. Plus, with moving to Uncle Bert's and the loss of a routine, I've been feeling anxious and stuff anyway.

So, I'm here to tell you some stuff about anxious people because I can't sleep.

Anxiety and depression often go hand in hand. In fact, if you have any sort of mental disorder, you probably also have depression. It's like geometry: A square is always a quadrilateral but a quadrilateral isn't always a square.

Symptoms of anxiety and depression vary. For me, when I get depressed, I get really quiet and withdrawn. My grades never showed my depression. I immersed myself in my school and books for the longest time. I treasured my privacy because I could have panic attacks and nobody would notice. I could plan out my death and think about how nobody would mourn me.

For anxiety? Good luck figuring out the symptoms without having full blown panic attacks and rushing to the ER going "WHY AM I SO SCARED?!" ...But I digress.

The symptoms of anxiety are rather subtle. Perfectionism, worrying, etc. WebMD it if you want more. The main symptoms of my anxiety are panic attacks and, of course, feelings of intense anxiety.

Let me delve deeper. When I feel a panic attack coming on, my heart rate speeds up, I get really warm sometimes, my pulse gets really heavy and hard, my breathing becomes erratic, and worst of all, I'm scared for no reason whatsoever. Some people feel a tightness in the chest that can hurt pretty bad.

It's story time. Once, I was in band. I had like, two or three mini panic attacks earlier in the day and I was still feeling anxious. That happened a lot; I'd have several mini panic attacks but still feel anxious. The solution? A ginormous panic attack. I'm going to attempt to tell you how I felt, but no words can come close to the true feeling.

I remember all of this vividly. We were cleaning something I hadn't learned yet. I was confused, and Mr. B (the head director) was yelling at us. I felt bad because I thought it was my fault. He was yelling at us because we weren't putting enough effort out. It was hot and sticky. We were tired; it was the end of the week. We weren't putting enough effort into it. I was, of course, so exhausted I could hardly stand. As he was yelling at us (and I mean yelling), I started to feel my heart race. My pulse was pounding so loud I could hear it in my ears. I got dizzy. Anxiety pooled in my stomach. It was a metallic, tight feeling that balled in the pit of my stomach. I tried to ignore the symptoms. My breathing became erratic and I couldn't step on beat. That's when I decided to go sit on the sidelines.

As soon as I sat down, I was scared. I was so terrified. There is no word that can describe just how afraid I was. Picture this: Someone had just came into your house at night and killed your family before you and was gonna pull a Hannibal Lector and eat them right in front of you and then eat you alive, piece by piece. Just imagine that for a minute. Feel scared? Multiply that by 100 and you get close to how I felt.

I was sitting there, so scared. I was sobbing. I had a hard time breathing. I was so scared. I forgot all about the band in front of me. I forgot all about Mr. B and Ms. Shadensack behind me, or the drum majors to either side of me. All I could think about was how scared I was.

Katie, a senior clarinetist, came up to me and tried helping me. She got me some paper towels and the Color Guard instructor's daughter (she was like, four?) came to try and cheer me up but I was past the point of no return. It took forever it felt like, but I finally got to the peak of the panic attack and started deescalating. I'm fairly certain I was screaming by then. Eventually, I was able to be done with the panic attack. I was exhausted.

I didn't know limits back then. I still tried to be an active participant in my after-band guard practice. I know now that I should've just gone home early. I felt like I wasn't trying hard enough, though. I interpreted Mr. B's and Julie (the guard instructor)'s looks and reactions as disappointed or standoffish or something.

The goal of my story was to try to illustrate the horrendousness of panic attacks. Admittedly, panic attacks aren't always that violent. However, if you've ever had one, you never want another.

I think this has been a long enough post. I hope you got a feel for what panic attacks are like. I also hope that you never have one.

So long, farewell, to you my friends. Goodbye, for now, until we meet again. It's been great to discuss these things together (here on my blog) but now it's time to say goodbye. So long, farewell, to you my friends. Goodbye, for now, until we meet again.