Please, hold all sarcastic remarks until I finish explaining.
I see music. Of course, I see sheet music, but I "see" more than that. When I look at someone... No, scratch that. When I get to know someone, I see their song. Granted, their song is only my perseption of them, but I like to think that I can perceive people fairly well. For the people I know really well (and so far it's only Mom and Kristen... Maybe Panda and Chris), I see their True Song. To me, seeing someone's true song is very private, intimate, and precious.
You're probably thinking, "Okay, but seeing music? You hear music!" This is not the case, actually. My definition of seeing is more along the lines of divining or understanding. You see, when I see music, I see a pattern. I see certain sounds, certain rythms. I don't hear the melody of the music until I look really hard, and then I may find something.
Personal songs are private, and something that I don't feel I have the right to share with other people. I say this because I want to give you an example. This is nobody's song that I know of, but I want you to understand how I work this.
When I know somebody well, I take their personality and translate it into music. Someone can have a rough, angry melody with pretty, tinkling bells underneath. Sometimes, the music evolves, showing growth or change of interests. Your song can change from jazz to punk to classical to jazz again, because it's you. There are no rules for your song, there are no boundaries for what it can be.
Just like people have songs, animals, feelings, situations, and places have songs, too. Everything has a song; it's up to people like me to write it down. Feelings and situations, depending on what they are, aren't as private as animals, places, and people. It's very complicated, and it sounds made-up. I assure you, though, it's real.
I will never know my song, unless somebody else writes it. The reason why is twofold. First, I don't want to know that much about myself - the thought scares me. Self-awareness is good, admittedly, but I really don't want to face all of that information. I'm scared of what I'd find. The second reason is that I'd never perceive myself correctly. Ever. Nobody sees themselves like they truely are, and that's a fact. It would be up to someone else to see me for what I am and put it on paper.
My view of the world is different from everyone else's. It makes me unique. I love my odd little gift and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I hope I explained this well enough. If you have questions, please, feel free to ask. ((:
<3
I LOVE reading your blog. I disagree with this one.
ReplyDeleteHow do you disagree?
ReplyDeleteI disagree with your analogy about not knowing your song until someone else writes it. That's not to say I don't understand where you're coming from on that one because I was afraid to let people know who I really am.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up with rejection and being told you're never good enough lends itself to either trying to hide who we are for fear of being found out or trying to be someone we're not so we'll be lovable. Both of those scenarios allowed me to get away with inappropriate behavior and not hold myself accountable.
As I've grown and changed over the last 20-ish years or so, taken my own inventory of character traits and character defects, and asked my higher power to humbly remove my shortcomings, I've come to realize I'm the only one who knows me best. There are members of my family who have me in a box that they put me in 30 years ago based on who I was then. I'm not that person anymore. There are people who draw conclusions about me based on a singular experience outside of the context of my personality -- a bad day, an awkward moment, a unique situation. Depending on who they are, I may not care about their conclusions. If their friendship means something to me, however, it is my responsibility to clear my side of the street.
So, when you say you will never know your song, I believe not only will you know it one day, you are writing it.
BTW, I'm nowhere near perfect. After all, it's about the journey, not the destination; about progress, not perfection.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the insight. I understand your points and I still believe what I wrote above. However, I do agree completely with your last statement. ((:
ReplyDeleteThis makes sense to me. It's an interesting concept.
ReplyDelete