One of the Worst

I've a story for you. The ending sucks. So does the middle. Well, and the beginning for that matter. Consider yourself warned - this post is not going to be cheerful.

This is a story of Yesterday. Yesterday started off bad. I swear, I took my medicine at a decent time and I slept for a long time, and I tried really really really hard to stay awake, I promise. It was 8:00 AM and I was signed up to drive from 8-10. I wasn't the one driving, of course. If I was driving, I would've stayed awake. I was in the back seat. The driver wasn't talking neither was the instructor. We went to Monmouth on the interstate and turned around and came back into Galesburg on two-lane highways and gravel roads. I made it as far as the interstate and I was out.

I felt horrible, I really did! And the guy made it worse by being a prick to me. )): I mean, yeah, I slept while the other guy was driving and yeah, I shouldn't have slept, but unless I had a rubber band on my wrist and snapped myself every time I started to drift off, there was no way in hell I would've stayed awake. Ugh.

I didn't get to drive. Bleh. After that, I had my drivers' ed final. I don't think I did horribly on it, but I doubt I got an A. Oh well. See, that part wasn't so bad. The bad stuff came later.

I was anxious all day because of the way it started. The middle of the day was okay. I ran some errands with mom and such. Mom was tense and edgy because she had to give the divorce settlement money to Dad. That didn't help my anxiousness at all. In the midst of all the errand running, we invited Kristen and Uncle Dave and Aunt Mary Ann out for dinner. No big deal. Actually, that sounded quite nice.

Soon after we got home, I went upstairs to play Metroid Prime (which I still haven't beaten -.-" I'm like 64% done.) Half an hour or so later I went downstairs to go to the bathroom and mom said that not only was Uncle Dave & Co. coming, but so was Aunt Donna and her twin boys and Grandpa Charlie. What da butts?! I was like, ....Ooookayyy...

I got very anxious soon after (dunno why... probably just built up). Kristen came upstairs after she got there and I refused to go downstairs because I couldn't be around people. More people came, and mom was like, "Why don't you come downstairs and see all of us?" and I said, "Because I'm really uber anxious and I'd have a panic attack." She then asked, "Have you taken your Adavan?" and I said, "No, I'm trying my coping methods before taking more medicine," to which she said, "Okay, love you!". I was, at the time, playing guitar, which was helping.  As soon as I stopped playing, of course, the anxiety came back full force.

I went downstairs after a while to see if I could stand being around people. I couldn't, so after about five minutes I went upstairs and had a panic attack. It wasn't bad, just some thrashing around on the bed. Mom came upstairs and helped me calm down. I was okay-ish after that, but hungry.

A little while later, Mom came up and said that everyone had gone outside if I wanted to go downstairs and eat. I thought that was a good idea so I waited for a couple of minutes and went downstairs. I looked out the window and saw everyone sitting around and I got so frustrated that I couldn't even be with my family without freaking out, that I went upstairs without eating anything. Once upstairs, I turned on some music to help me calm down. I tried to meditate, but that didn't work so well. I ended up having an OCD panic attack.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a variation of anxiety. I sometimes have OCD panic attacks, or other variations of anxiety that aren't coming to mind at the moment. When I have an OCD panic attack, I feel like I have to do something, or I'm going to get hurt. Last night, I had to cut off all my hair or else I'd get hurt and I couldn't ask for help because I'd get hurt even worse. I was screaming and crying and fighting myself. Eventually, I had scissors in hand and started cutting. The first to go were my bangs. I screamed while I cut them off. Then I screamed and cried and tried not to cut off more but off it went. After about five fistfulls of hair, Mom showed up.

She took the scissors from me and I gladly handed them over. It took forever for me to calm down. When I had calmed down a little bit, I had mom fix my hair. She did the best she could, but I have three "lucky bald spots" and I look like a dude. )):

I ended up spending the night at Kristen's because mom worked today and I didn't want to be alone. Kristen is safe, so I stayed with her. ((: As soon as we got to her house, though, I was outt.Which was fine by me. I didn't want to be awake any longer.

So there is the story of my hair being cut off... again. Maybe next post I'll relive my first and second OCD panic attacks.