Happy birthday?

I've been horrid about keeping up this blog. I'll try to do better, promise.

So school started. The first week, not bad. Only minor incidents, and on Friday, I had no panic attacks. :D Monday... Well, I don't honestly remember. Tuesday, I was so anxious I didn't go to school. I was so anxious it hurt... It hurt my stomach, my head, my muscles, everything. Wednesday, I attempted school but went home during first period because I had such a horrible panic attack.

Thursday, today, my birthday, I didn't go to school. I got dressed, I started to put on my make up, and had a panic attack. I went upstairs to talk to Mom and she was like, "If you can't do it, you can't do it." So I didn't go to school.

Guess who spent their birthday feeling like a failure? *points to self* Yep.

I guess my day got a little better when I went to see Dad. After that, I went to Red Lobster with mom and David. That was actually pretty fun... There was some good conversation and people sang to me. It was embarrassing and funny ((:

Then I came home and worked on a project. Everything was going swell until I ran out of tape. Now I'm freaking out because my project isn't done, it was due Wednesday, and I'm out of tape. Shit.

My logical mind (the one I should be listening to) says that in the morning, I can go to WalGreens before school, take fifteen minutes, and finish up this project. The not-so-logical side of me says a bunch of what-ifs and I'm freaking out.

So now I'm thinking about school tomorrow. P.E. isn't going to be good. I don't like P.E., I don't do well in P.E., and I'm anxious in P.E.. When I work out at school, my body produces adrenaline (like when I'm having a panic attack), and I freak out. Not fun. So I'm getting my class changed to Music Appreciation. We'll see how this goes.

I'm working on some creative things, too. Like right now, I'm knitting, doing needlepoint, drawing frequently, and writing music. Is it helping? I dunno. But I'm knitting booties so my feet won't be cold in the basement. (:

I believe this is enough of an update for tonight. So, goodnight. ((:

Uh-puh-puh Day-tuh-tuh (Update xD)

I've been doing fairly good. I'm on some meds that have been helping and I've had a quality of life that I haven't experienced in yearssssss.

..Until today. Last night, I had bad dreams, and lots of them. They were horrible. *shudders* All my deepest fears came to surface last night. I'm not strong enough to handle that and go to school. My anxiety level when I woke up was 8 or 9. [The anxiety scale goes as follows: 0 - No anxiety; 10 - panic attack] I've taken some meds and since then my anxiety level has gone down to a six or seven... Which is still too much. So I stayed home.

I found a website for people with anxiety problems... It's like, a forum or whatever. I'm hoping that it will be a good place to go. (:

In other news, I TURN SIXTEEN ON THURSDAYYY! Woot! I'm excited, can ya tell? I can get a jobbb! O.O

You may think, "Uhh... Shouldn't you wait to get a job?" Well, maybe. However, my quality of life has been such that I think I'll be okay. I'll tell you a secret: Today's problems were because I've forgotten my nighttime meds a couple days in a row. It's only a milligram of Abilify, but that milligram makes all the difference. (: Anyway, Mom's not going to let me forget anymore and I think this problem will be a one-time thing.

Excuses, Excuses

Obviously, I haven't written in a while. I've been having trouble with my medicines and such. In fact, I'm not quite in the mood to be writing right now, but I figure if I get started, I can finish my story at a later date.

I'm at school again. It's fun and difficult. My favorite class is German and I feel no anxiety there whatsoever. (: I really like American Studies so far, too, but there's SO MANY PEOPLE in that class! Ergh. Uh. My weight lifting class is going to be interesting... I'm the only girl. Hm. Oh! My last class of the day is Art. Fun stuff. The teacher is uber cool. ((:

So I shall elaborate more and talk about what's been going on... Later. But now that I've started it'll be easier next time I go to write. Toodles! xD

Finally! x2

So, now I tell about being in the hospital. For privacy reasons, all names have been changed and I refuse to tell you who it is.

When I was admitted, it was really late (early?) and I got to bed around 4 a.m. The first day, I slept through pretty much everything except meals. I was annoyed because nobody would wake me up, but I didn't ask anyone to and I needed the sleep.

The days kinda swirl in my head now, but here are the things of note:

My psychiatrist was a lovely Indian woman who got my meds right the first time. :D She gave me life advice, such as "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing bad," and "Give them the right to be a bad relative or friend." The first is helping with my perfectionism and the second helped with forgiveness.

The groups were good, and there were some really sweet people there. I've come to realize that it's the sweethearts who get the crap in life. Or maybe they're sweethearts BECAUSE they've had crap. Either way, everyone was really, really awesome.

Hmm. One thing that really stuck out to me, was the guy with no arms and no legs. We watched a video and it kind of made the forgiveness thing click for me.

I guess that's all of the relevant information. You'd think after five days of being there, I'd have more to say. Alas, that's all the important stuff. If you want stories, I've got those and would be more than happy to share. If you want details about procedures and the like, I've got those... They're actually rather interesting. I don't really have anything else to say, except feel free to ask questions.