So, I did go to the doctor Monday. The consensus was this: I take too high a dosage of medication. I take twice the normal amount of my anti-depressant and apparently I take a little over two times the amount of ADD medicine.
Yeah, not cool, right? No wonder we can't figure out my meds. I'm almost tempted to be like, "Okay, clean slate! Take me off all my meds and then start new!" That would be incredibly drastic, though. Incredibly. Drastic.
Instead, we're simply backing me slowly down on my meds until I get better. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday, so we'll see what she says.
In other news, I've been hanging out with my sister, which is really cool. Bad news? Yesterday, I had three panic attacks. Not cool.
Unfortunately, I'm going to have to leave this at a rather short post because I'm running out of things to say (astonishing, I know).
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
It's Too Damn Cold!
Once again, I fail at keeping up with this danged blog. I'm gonna keep trying, though! Eventually, I'll get good at it. :)
So, not much has been going on with me lately. I've been playing guitar so much that my arms are having circulation issues because of it. Do you think that will keep me from practicing until I physically can't move my fingers anymore? Noooope. :D
Uhm. Ooh! I'm doing a WHOLE BUNCH better at knowing my own boundaries and setting them with other people. I even know when I need to separate myself from groups and take a break.
I've been having weird dizziness problems lately and it's getting really really bad. I'm going to the doctor today to see what the heck is going on because it's interfering with my life. Last night, I was so dizzy and nauseous that I was crying on the couch with my arm over my eyes thinking, "I'm going to die!" Yeah, it was bad.
I've been having issues with school lately, too. It's not so much that the people there are hard to handle, it's handling myself well enough to attend school on a regular basis. I'm trying, but it's so difficult, especially when my meds don't work right, I have people screaming at me in my head, I'm randomly so dizzy that I can't move, and I'm fighting this disease which is self injury.
I've also realized what a big problem this self injury thing is. I've been scratching, cutting, biting, etc. myself since I was like, twelve. However, I didn't draw blood that often and most of the time it was things like scratching a bugbite until it was so raw that I'd ripped a layer or two of skin off my arm or other body part and was bleeding and stuff. That, I just attributed to the fact that I pick at everything. However, I now realize that I was hurting myself.
Why, you may ask, would I do something so taboo? Why would I intentionally harm myself? Most people think that people who hurt themselves do so for attention. This is not always true. Sure, since the internet can give out information so easily, people have found that hurting themselves is a very good way to get attention, but there are some easy tells.
(I know I'm going off in random tangents, but I'll come back to other points soon.) Several easy ways to know that someone is not cutting, scratching, biting, etc. for attention are these:
They've told nobody. People who hurt themselves for reasons other than attention don't tell other people, because people will freak out and make them stop and they DO NOT want to stop. If they do tell someone, they usually are detached from their emotions and are doing so for very individualized reasons.
They hurt themselves in places that are easy to hide. Some places are the bottom of the forearm (long shirts hide it), the inside of the upper thighs (pants, duh), the top of the feet (shoes), etc. Sometimes, if something traumatizing has happened, they hurt themselves on the afflicted area. I've heard of people hurting themselves on their breasts, stomach, back of the neck, waist, hips, genitals, etc.
So there's a couple ways you can know if they're doing it for attention or not.
Why do I hurt myself? It's kind of complicated. You see, I associate pain with safety and affection. How did I end up doing something so messed up? I can't quite explain it, but I know that it has to do with my dad and the way he used to say extremely hurtful things to me. Therefore, I recreate those feelings by inflicting pain upon myself, physically and mentally. Not only do I hurt myself physically, but I say incredibly mean things to myself while I do it.
It happens like this: I have extreme anxious feelings and need to feel safe. Since I associate pain with safety, I hurt myself. Yes, I know, it's screwed up, but it's how my brain is wired. I'm currently rewiring my brain, but it's taking a long time.
Lately, I've realized what a problem this is because every time I find myself in an uncomfortable situation, I'm pressing my nails into my arm, picking my lips until they're sore and then using my teeth to scratch at them, yelling at myself in my head, and causing myself to be in situations where I'm very uncomfortable, such as making myself go out into the cold with bare feet and short sleeves or taking a shower that's so cold it hurts. I'm working on it though. Currently, I'm working on realizing when I do that sort of thing and then stopping myself. I'm doing fairly well.
In good news, I'm becoming more active. I don't sit around and watch anime all day anymore. I do productive things, like put music on my computer, do yoga, walk around, clean up, have conversations with people, etc. It's little things that make my day easier to bear.
So yes. That is what is currently happening. I'll post again later to let you know what's going on with my doctor's appointment and the such.
So, not much has been going on with me lately. I've been playing guitar so much that my arms are having circulation issues because of it. Do you think that will keep me from practicing until I physically can't move my fingers anymore? Noooope. :D
Uhm. Ooh! I'm doing a WHOLE BUNCH better at knowing my own boundaries and setting them with other people. I even know when I need to separate myself from groups and take a break.
I've been having weird dizziness problems lately and it's getting really really bad. I'm going to the doctor today to see what the heck is going on because it's interfering with my life. Last night, I was so dizzy and nauseous that I was crying on the couch with my arm over my eyes thinking, "I'm going to die!" Yeah, it was bad.
I've been having issues with school lately, too. It's not so much that the people there are hard to handle, it's handling myself well enough to attend school on a regular basis. I'm trying, but it's so difficult, especially when my meds don't work right, I have people screaming at me in my head, I'm randomly so dizzy that I can't move, and I'm fighting this disease which is self injury.
I've also realized what a big problem this self injury thing is. I've been scratching, cutting, biting, etc. myself since I was like, twelve. However, I didn't draw blood that often and most of the time it was things like scratching a bugbite until it was so raw that I'd ripped a layer or two of skin off my arm or other body part and was bleeding and stuff. That, I just attributed to the fact that I pick at everything. However, I now realize that I was hurting myself.
Why, you may ask, would I do something so taboo? Why would I intentionally harm myself? Most people think that people who hurt themselves do so for attention. This is not always true. Sure, since the internet can give out information so easily, people have found that hurting themselves is a very good way to get attention, but there are some easy tells.
(I know I'm going off in random tangents, but I'll come back to other points soon.) Several easy ways to know that someone is not cutting, scratching, biting, etc. for attention are these:
They've told nobody. People who hurt themselves for reasons other than attention don't tell other people, because people will freak out and make them stop and they DO NOT want to stop. If they do tell someone, they usually are detached from their emotions and are doing so for very individualized reasons.
They hurt themselves in places that are easy to hide. Some places are the bottom of the forearm (long shirts hide it), the inside of the upper thighs (pants, duh), the top of the feet (shoes), etc. Sometimes, if something traumatizing has happened, they hurt themselves on the afflicted area. I've heard of people hurting themselves on their breasts, stomach, back of the neck, waist, hips, genitals, etc.
So there's a couple ways you can know if they're doing it for attention or not.
Why do I hurt myself? It's kind of complicated. You see, I associate pain with safety and affection. How did I end up doing something so messed up? I can't quite explain it, but I know that it has to do with my dad and the way he used to say extremely hurtful things to me. Therefore, I recreate those feelings by inflicting pain upon myself, physically and mentally. Not only do I hurt myself physically, but I say incredibly mean things to myself while I do it.
It happens like this: I have extreme anxious feelings and need to feel safe. Since I associate pain with safety, I hurt myself. Yes, I know, it's screwed up, but it's how my brain is wired. I'm currently rewiring my brain, but it's taking a long time.
Lately, I've realized what a problem this is because every time I find myself in an uncomfortable situation, I'm pressing my nails into my arm, picking my lips until they're sore and then using my teeth to scratch at them, yelling at myself in my head, and causing myself to be in situations where I'm very uncomfortable, such as making myself go out into the cold with bare feet and short sleeves or taking a shower that's so cold it hurts. I'm working on it though. Currently, I'm working on realizing when I do that sort of thing and then stopping myself. I'm doing fairly well.
In good news, I'm becoming more active. I don't sit around and watch anime all day anymore. I do productive things, like put music on my computer, do yoga, walk around, clean up, have conversations with people, etc. It's little things that make my day easier to bear.
So yes. That is what is currently happening. I'll post again later to let you know what's going on with my doctor's appointment and the such.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
This Scene Is Dead But I'm Still Restless...
So the last thing I talked about was my bad day.
I've had several other bad days since then, but nothing like that. I tried going to school once this past week but that didn't turn out so well. However, I'm going to school on Monday! Period!
Frankly, I'm exhausted. I'm tiiiired and sometimes I feel like giving up and just becoming a hermit in my basement. Actually, being a hermit in my basement doesn't sound too bad. ...Anyway...
I was thinking about this crap and life in general when I decided I can't give up. Not only would that be a surefire way to keep my anxiety close beside me at all times, but it would be royally selfish. Do you realize how many people I can relate to? Do you realize that since I can relate to people, I can help them (if they'll let me)? That's a freakin' lot of people. People whose lives might be changed because of a little help from someone who has already been through the same crap. So I can't give up and become a hermit. I've got stuff to do.
Plus, this can't last forever.
...Right?...
Anyhoozle. Moral of the story: I'm not becoming a hermit in my basement even if the idea is sounding increasingly good.
Next order of business: I have written a song. I have written a beautiful song that I wish to share with the world. :)
I wrote this song like, four years ago? God, a lot of things happened when I was twelve, which is beside the point. This song is about a girl who is attempting suicide. (She doesn't actually kill herself - someone finds her and saves her.) It hints at her past, which is rocky and difficult. "Once Upon a Feeling" is an emotional song that I <3 to play on the piano.
Here is a link to me playing the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGVqVlq1TZQ
There's a version of the song on my YouTube that is the computer playing the song, but I think I do it better, even if the sound quality is kinda crappy.
Another subject change!
Just a random passing thought, but when I write my blog, I don't edit myself. I write out a commentary of what is going on in my head. I write like I'm talking to someone, even if that person doesn't feel like responding to anything I say, therefore making our conversation into a monologue.
If I were to write like how I write instead of how I think, I feel that the blog would lack a certain pizazz that I think it somewhat has now.
It is now 8:56 and I am getting very sleepy. I think I shall go like, sleep or something. Maybe I'll curl up and play video games. I dunno. But I'm getting off the computer.
<3
I've had several other bad days since then, but nothing like that. I tried going to school once this past week but that didn't turn out so well. However, I'm going to school on Monday! Period!
Frankly, I'm exhausted. I'm tiiiired and sometimes I feel like giving up and just becoming a hermit in my basement. Actually, being a hermit in my basement doesn't sound too bad. ...Anyway...
I was thinking about this crap and life in general when I decided I can't give up. Not only would that be a surefire way to keep my anxiety close beside me at all times, but it would be royally selfish. Do you realize how many people I can relate to? Do you realize that since I can relate to people, I can help them (if they'll let me)? That's a freakin' lot of people. People whose lives might be changed because of a little help from someone who has already been through the same crap. So I can't give up and become a hermit. I've got stuff to do.
Plus, this can't last forever.
...Right?...
Anyhoozle. Moral of the story: I'm not becoming a hermit in my basement even if the idea is sounding increasingly good.
Next order of business: I have written a song. I have written a beautiful song that I wish to share with the world. :)
I wrote this song like, four years ago? God, a lot of things happened when I was twelve, which is beside the point. This song is about a girl who is attempting suicide. (She doesn't actually kill herself - someone finds her and saves her.) It hints at her past, which is rocky and difficult. "Once Upon a Feeling" is an emotional song that I <3 to play on the piano.
Here is a link to me playing the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGVqVlq1TZQ
There's a version of the song on my YouTube that is the computer playing the song, but I think I do it better, even if the sound quality is kinda crappy.
Another subject change!
Just a random passing thought, but when I write my blog, I don't edit myself. I write out a commentary of what is going on in my head. I write like I'm talking to someone, even if that person doesn't feel like responding to anything I say, therefore making our conversation into a monologue.
If I were to write like how I write instead of how I think, I feel that the blog would lack a certain pizazz that I think it somewhat has now.
It is now 8:56 and I am getting very sleepy. I think I shall go like, sleep or something. Maybe I'll curl up and play video games. I dunno. But I'm getting off the computer.
<3
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Bad Day
Yes, I had a bad day after my amazing day.
My bad day started off really amazingly. I rode the bus and the kids on there are so sweet! I love them to death. :) Special thanks go to Madison (who undoubtedly doesn't read this because she's in 3rd grade) because she's my special friend. :))
Kids are so adorable. Madison helps me feel comfortable and accepted amongst the little kids. Thank youuu!
So anyway. School was pretty good. I had no panic attacks. Good, right? Well, no. I'd much rather have panic attacks than what happened.
I had an OCD problem (which I'm going to talk to my doctor about because it's getting to be a big issue). You see, I was working on my psychology class and there was a picture of a brain. I had the compulsion, after seeing the picture, to saw off my head and take out my brain. Completely irrational, right? Right. So I went down to the office and thanks to Officer Woolsey and Mrs. Pacheco (or however you spell it) for helping me out. Then the fun started.
At first, I thought I was having disconesia problems. Disconesia is when one side of your body shakes uncontrollably, your tongue lolls out to one side, and/or you lay your head against one shoulder uncontrollably, usually as a reaction to a medication. I was having issues with my tongue not wanting to stay in my mouth, my head was cocked to one side, and I was like, "Great. This crap... Again."
Turns out, it wasn't that crap. After a couple of minutes, I started seizing, somewhat big time. I fell out of my chair and went into spasms on the floor off and on for ten minutes. It was scary. To my utter embarrassment and chagrin, all students were kept in their classrooms and nobody was let out into the hallways... Uh oh. Not only was I spazzing on the floor of the school office, but I was holding up the regular school day. Heh. Oops.
Approximately ten minutes after it started, my mom got to the school and by then I was exhausted and done with the spazzing. I was TIRED. Freakin' tired.
My mom and I have talked and we think it was OCD problems, and not panic or reaction to my meds, but I'm gonna talk to my p-doc next time I'm over there and see what she thinks. :)
Stay mentally healthy, my friends! ((:
My bad day started off really amazingly. I rode the bus and the kids on there are so sweet! I love them to death. :) Special thanks go to Madison (who undoubtedly doesn't read this because she's in 3rd grade) because she's my special friend. :))
Kids are so adorable. Madison helps me feel comfortable and accepted amongst the little kids. Thank youuu!
So anyway. School was pretty good. I had no panic attacks. Good, right? Well, no. I'd much rather have panic attacks than what happened.
I had an OCD problem (which I'm going to talk to my doctor about because it's getting to be a big issue). You see, I was working on my psychology class and there was a picture of a brain. I had the compulsion, after seeing the picture, to saw off my head and take out my brain. Completely irrational, right? Right. So I went down to the office and thanks to Officer Woolsey and Mrs. Pacheco (or however you spell it) for helping me out. Then the fun started.
At first, I thought I was having disconesia problems. Disconesia is when one side of your body shakes uncontrollably, your tongue lolls out to one side, and/or you lay your head against one shoulder uncontrollably, usually as a reaction to a medication. I was having issues with my tongue not wanting to stay in my mouth, my head was cocked to one side, and I was like, "Great. This crap... Again."
Turns out, it wasn't that crap. After a couple of minutes, I started seizing, somewhat big time. I fell out of my chair and went into spasms on the floor off and on for ten minutes. It was scary. To my utter embarrassment and chagrin, all students were kept in their classrooms and nobody was let out into the hallways... Uh oh. Not only was I spazzing on the floor of the school office, but I was holding up the regular school day. Heh. Oops.
Approximately ten minutes after it started, my mom got to the school and by then I was exhausted and done with the spazzing. I was TIRED. Freakin' tired.
My mom and I have talked and we think it was OCD problems, and not panic or reaction to my meds, but I'm gonna talk to my p-doc next time I'm over there and see what she thinks. :)
Stay mentally healthy, my friends! ((:
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Just A Short Blurb
BIG STEPS HAVE BEEN TAKEN TOWARD ME BEING FUNCTIONAL IN SOCIETY!
Whew. Lemme start from the beginning.
So yesterday I went to my p-doc and she decided to change my ADD meds to something longer lasting. Yesterday morning was rough. I had a pretty bad panic attack before school started but the rest of my day was okay.
And then, today, I had NO panic attacks! NONE! It was amazinggg!!! Then, to top off my fabulous day, I got to spend time with Mitchell :)
Yes. I had a faaaaabulous day today and I even went to school! :)
Whew. Lemme start from the beginning.
So yesterday I went to my p-doc and she decided to change my ADD meds to something longer lasting. Yesterday morning was rough. I had a pretty bad panic attack before school started but the rest of my day was okay.
And then, today, I had NO panic attacks! NONE! It was amazinggg!!! Then, to top off my fabulous day, I got to spend time with Mitchell :)
Yes. I had a faaaaabulous day today and I even went to school! :)
Monday, November 1, 2010
Listening to Bohemian Rhapsody (:
Just an update.
As always, there's something new going on. No, I don't have any downtime... Ever. I go from drama to drama, but isn't that just life? Now, let me clarify drama - drama is NOT fighting with people or starting rumors. Drama is the crap I have to deal with in every day life.
First piece of drama to be addressed:I saw my dad last night. Dad and I don't have the best relationship, in fact, one might say our relationship is rather bad, but at least we have a relationship. Anyway, I saw him last night. I was kinda nervous, but it was alright. He's had a back surgery but he's doing well... Sort of. He's bored and lonely, but that's kind of to be expected.
Next piece of drama:I got a new computer! \/\/007. (For those of you who don't read 1337sp34k, that says "Woot".) It's an old lap top, but I only paid like $130 (Yippeee!) and I paid for it all on my own so it's MINE. :D The fact that it's MINE means that A) I can say, "NO! Don't touch my computer!" and B) I'm more likely to take better care of it because I paid for it with my own moneyy. Now I can be on my computer and not have to get off when someone wants to use it. Yeeeeehawwwww!
Last piece of drama:I didn't go to school today. I was too nervous as to what would happen if I was there and mom wasn't available. Plus, my meds are pretty screwed up and I learned that my ADD meds only last for 4hrs., which is utter bullpoopie. Yes, bullpoopie. However, I am going to school tomorrow and then I have an appointment with my psychiatrist after school. Fun stuff? Sure.
So there ya go. Oh! Mitchell's and my 8 month anniversary is on Thursday! :D
OH! AGAIN! lol (I really need to get my thoughts in order before I start blogging, eh?)
This weekend, I spent time with Mitch, Kristen, Chris, and David (boyfriend, best friend/cousin, best friend's boyfriend, and brother, respectively) and didn't freak out! O.O I know! It was nuts. We went to the haunted maze and flashlight maze at Country Corner (Alpha, IL). I'll put their website at the end of this post. It was a blast! There are like, 400 people with chainsaws in that frikkin' haunted maze. Blech. It was fun, though. (:
And, last but not least, a snippet of wisdom before I log off. I've found that in order to do what you need to, sometimes you have to shirk your responsibilities. No, I'm not telling you to stop doing what you need to be doing, but in the words of someone I hold very dear, "Sometimes, you have to just live." I've taken that to heart. As someone who grew up believing that my well being falls significantly farther behind everybody else's and that responsibility was to be put before happiness at all costs, it's heartening to learn that sometimes just mushing on the couch on a Monday morning and not putting myself through that much pain and grievance is sometimes a good thing. Not every Monday, but once in a while, it's good to just be.
As always, there's something new going on. No, I don't have any downtime... Ever. I go from drama to drama, but isn't that just life? Now, let me clarify drama - drama is NOT fighting with people or starting rumors. Drama is the crap I have to deal with in every day life.
First piece of drama to be addressed:
Next piece of drama:
Last piece of drama:
So there ya go. Oh! Mitchell's and my 8 month anniversary is on Thursday! :D
OH! AGAIN! lol (I really need to get my thoughts in order before I start blogging, eh?)
This weekend, I spent time with Mitch, Kristen, Chris, and David (boyfriend, best friend/cousin, best friend's boyfriend, and brother, respectively) and didn't freak out! O.O I know! It was nuts. We went to the haunted maze and flashlight maze at Country Corner (Alpha, IL). I'll put their website at the end of this post. It was a blast! There are like, 400 people with chainsaws in that frikkin' haunted maze. Blech. It was fun, though. (:
And, last but not least, a snippet of wisdom before I log off. I've found that in order to do what you need to, sometimes you have to shirk your responsibilities. No, I'm not telling you to stop doing what you need to be doing, but in the words of someone I hold very dear, "Sometimes, you have to just live." I've taken that to heart. As someone who grew up believing that my well being falls significantly farther behind everybody else's and that responsibility was to be put before happiness at all costs, it's heartening to learn that sometimes just mushing on the couch on a Monday morning and not putting myself through that much pain and grievance is sometimes a good thing. Not every Monday, but once in a while, it's good to just be.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
OMG I Posted! O.O
So I epically fail at this whole "blogging" thing. However, I'm gonna give it another go. A loooot has happened since I got out of the hospital.
We moved back into our house out in the country. Fun stuff, right? Fo sho. Our upstairs is getting put together (finally!) and we're actually living in a space with natural light shining in. O.O Crazy, huh?
I started going to GHSNorth, the alternative school. The staff and students there are really awesome. Well, the staff for sure. The students (most of them) have kinda avoided me. It's understandable, really. They already have their group of friends that I've never even heard of. I don't even have any mutual friends to be like, "Hey, you're friends with so-and-so, right? Well they told me to tell you hi!" and thus start a friendship. Nooope. And, to further alienate me from the student body, I have a panic disorder and nobody really knows what to do about it. I mean, I get it. It's scary and you have nooo idea what to do. The fact that I haven't really met anyone or made friends still sucks though.
However, I did make one friend. Her name is Sam (hahaha). She's really cool and we talk during classes and stuff.
I've made significant progress since starting North. I've got my panic attacks down to one a day and I even rode the bus today. Big yay! However, I also took a huuuge step back.
I scratched... Again. There was another incident where I scratched, but I didn't do it like this. This time, I wrote words. Not nice words.
So now I'm sitting at Mom's work, just chillin', blogging, not really knowing what to do with myself.
Oh, I'm seeing a new psychiatrist. She's really cool. She asked like, over nine thousand questions (which was good) and she gave me her input. I've been officially diagnosed with Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Attention Deficit Disorder. To add to that, my P-Dr. (psychiatrist) thinks I may have Bi-Polar disorder. Ughh.
So yeah. I think I've gotten you mostly caught up on what's going on. I can't think of anything else. I'll post more, promise. (: Bye now
We moved back into our house out in the country. Fun stuff, right? Fo sho. Our upstairs is getting put together (finally!) and we're actually living in a space with natural light shining in. O.O Crazy, huh?
I started going to GHSNorth, the alternative school. The staff and students there are really awesome. Well, the staff for sure. The students (most of them) have kinda avoided me. It's understandable, really. They already have their group of friends that I've never even heard of. I don't even have any mutual friends to be like, "Hey, you're friends with so-and-so, right? Well they told me to tell you hi!" and thus start a friendship. Nooope. And, to further alienate me from the student body, I have a panic disorder and nobody really knows what to do about it. I mean, I get it. It's scary and you have nooo idea what to do. The fact that I haven't really met anyone or made friends still sucks though.
However, I did make one friend. Her name is Sam (hahaha). She's really cool and we talk during classes and stuff.
I've made significant progress since starting North. I've got my panic attacks down to one a day and I even rode the bus today. Big yay! However, I also took a huuuge step back.
I scratched... Again. There was another incident where I scratched, but I didn't do it like this. This time, I wrote words. Not nice words.
So now I'm sitting at Mom's work, just chillin', blogging, not really knowing what to do with myself.
Oh, I'm seeing a new psychiatrist. She's really cool. She asked like, over nine thousand questions (which was good) and she gave me her input. I've been officially diagnosed with Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Attention Deficit Disorder. To add to that, my P-Dr. (psychiatrist) thinks I may have Bi-Polar disorder. Ughh.
So yeah. I think I've gotten you mostly caught up on what's going on. I can't think of anything else. I'll post more, promise. (: Bye now
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