Just A Short Blurb

BIG STEPS HAVE BEEN TAKEN TOWARD ME BEING FUNCTIONAL IN SOCIETY!

Whew. Lemme start from the beginning.

So yesterday I went to my p-doc and she decided to change my ADD meds to something longer lasting. Yesterday morning was rough. I had a pretty bad panic attack before school started but the rest of my day was okay.

And then, today, I had NO panic attacks! NONE! It was amazinggg!!! Then, to top off my fabulous day, I got to spend time with Mitchell :)

Yes. I had a faaaaabulous day today and I even went to school! :)

Listening to Bohemian Rhapsody (:

Just an update.

As always, there's something new going on. No, I don't have any downtime... Ever. I go from drama to drama, but isn't that just life? Now, let me clarify drama - drama is NOT fighting with people or starting rumors. Drama is the crap I have to deal with in every day life.

First piece of drama to be addressed: I saw my dad last night. Dad and I don't have the best relationship, in fact, one might say our relationship is rather bad, but at least we have a relationship. Anyway, I saw him last night. I was kinda nervous, but it was alright. He's had a back surgery but he's doing well... Sort of. He's bored and lonely, but that's kind of to be expected.

Next piece of drama: I got a new computer! \/\/007. (For those of you who don't read 1337sp34k, that says "Woot".) It's an old lap top, but I only paid like $130 (Yippeee!) and I paid for it all on my own so it's MINE. :D The fact that it's MINE means that A) I can say, "NO! Don't touch my computer!" and B) I'm more likely to take better care of it because I paid for it with my own moneyy. Now I can be on my computer and not have to get off when someone wants to use it. Yeeeeehawwwww!

Last piece of drama: I didn't go to school today. I was too nervous as to what would happen if I was there and mom wasn't available. Plus, my meds are pretty screwed up and I learned that my ADD meds only last for 4hrs., which is utter bullpoopie. Yes, bullpoopie. However, I am going to school tomorrow and then I have an appointment with my psychiatrist after school. Fun stuff? Sure.

So there ya go. Oh! Mitchell's and my 8 month anniversary is on Thursday! :D

OH! AGAIN! lol (I really need to get my thoughts in order before I start blogging, eh?)

This weekend, I spent time with Mitch, Kristen, Chris, and David (boyfriend, best friend/cousin, best friend's boyfriend, and brother, respectively) and didn't freak out! O.O I know! It was nuts. We went to the haunted maze and flashlight maze at Country Corner (Alpha, IL). I'll put their website at the end of this post. It was a blast! There are like, 400 people with chainsaws in that frikkin' haunted maze. Blech. It was fun, though. (:

And, last but not least, a snippet of wisdom before I log off. I've found that in order to do what you need to, sometimes you have to shirk your responsibilities. No, I'm not telling you to stop doing what you need to be doing, but in the words of someone I hold very dear, "Sometimes, you have to just live." I've taken that to heart. As someone who grew up believing that my well being falls significantly farther behind everybody else's and that responsibility was to be put before happiness at all costs, it's heartening to learn that sometimes just mushing on the couch on a Monday morning and not putting myself through that much pain and grievance is sometimes a good thing. Not every Monday, but once in a while, it's good to just be.

OMG I Posted! O.O

So I epically fail at this whole "blogging" thing. However, I'm gonna give it another go. A loooot has happened since I got out of the hospital.

We moved back into our house out in the country. Fun stuff, right? Fo sho. Our upstairs is getting put together (finally!) and we're actually living in a space with natural light shining in. O.O Crazy, huh?

I started going to GHSNorth, the alternative school. The staff and students there are really awesome. Well, the staff for sure. The students (most of them) have kinda avoided me. It's understandable, really. They already have their group of friends that I've never even heard of. I don't even have any mutual friends to be like, "Hey, you're friends with so-and-so, right? Well they told me to tell you hi!" and thus start a friendship. Nooope. And, to further alienate me from the student body, I have a panic disorder and nobody really knows what to do about it. I mean, I get it. It's scary and you have nooo idea what to do. The fact that I haven't really met anyone or made friends still sucks though.

However, I did make one friend. Her name is Sam (hahaha). She's really cool and we talk during classes and stuff.

I've made significant progress since starting North. I've got my panic attacks down to one a day and I even rode the bus today. Big yay! However, I also took a huuuge step back.

I scratched... Again. There was another incident where I scratched, but I didn't do it like this. This time, I wrote words. Not nice words.

So now I'm sitting at Mom's work, just chillin', blogging, not really knowing what to do with myself.

Oh, I'm seeing a new psychiatrist. She's really cool. She asked like, over nine thousand questions (which was good) and she gave me her input. I've been officially diagnosed with Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Attention Deficit Disorder. To add to that, my P-Dr. (psychiatrist) thinks I may have Bi-Polar disorder. Ughh.

So yeah. I think I've gotten you mostly caught up on what's going on. I can't think of anything else. I'll post more, promise. (: Bye now

Happy birthday?

I've been horrid about keeping up this blog. I'll try to do better, promise.

So school started. The first week, not bad. Only minor incidents, and on Friday, I had no panic attacks. :D Monday... Well, I don't honestly remember. Tuesday, I was so anxious I didn't go to school. I was so anxious it hurt... It hurt my stomach, my head, my muscles, everything. Wednesday, I attempted school but went home during first period because I had such a horrible panic attack.

Thursday, today, my birthday, I didn't go to school. I got dressed, I started to put on my make up, and had a panic attack. I went upstairs to talk to Mom and she was like, "If you can't do it, you can't do it." So I didn't go to school.

Guess who spent their birthday feeling like a failure? *points to self* Yep.

I guess my day got a little better when I went to see Dad. After that, I went to Red Lobster with mom and David. That was actually pretty fun... There was some good conversation and people sang to me. It was embarrassing and funny ((:

Then I came home and worked on a project. Everything was going swell until I ran out of tape. Now I'm freaking out because my project isn't done, it was due Wednesday, and I'm out of tape. Shit.

My logical mind (the one I should be listening to) says that in the morning, I can go to WalGreens before school, take fifteen minutes, and finish up this project. The not-so-logical side of me says a bunch of what-ifs and I'm freaking out.

So now I'm thinking about school tomorrow. P.E. isn't going to be good. I don't like P.E., I don't do well in P.E., and I'm anxious in P.E.. When I work out at school, my body produces adrenaline (like when I'm having a panic attack), and I freak out. Not fun. So I'm getting my class changed to Music Appreciation. We'll see how this goes.

I'm working on some creative things, too. Like right now, I'm knitting, doing needlepoint, drawing frequently, and writing music. Is it helping? I dunno. But I'm knitting booties so my feet won't be cold in the basement. (:

I believe this is enough of an update for tonight. So, goodnight. ((:

Uh-puh-puh Day-tuh-tuh (Update xD)

I've been doing fairly good. I'm on some meds that have been helping and I've had a quality of life that I haven't experienced in yearssssss.

..Until today. Last night, I had bad dreams, and lots of them. They were horrible. *shudders* All my deepest fears came to surface last night. I'm not strong enough to handle that and go to school. My anxiety level when I woke up was 8 or 9. [The anxiety scale goes as follows: 0 - No anxiety; 10 - panic attack] I've taken some meds and since then my anxiety level has gone down to a six or seven... Which is still too much. So I stayed home.

I found a website for people with anxiety problems... It's like, a forum or whatever. I'm hoping that it will be a good place to go. (:

In other news, I TURN SIXTEEN ON THURSDAYYY! Woot! I'm excited, can ya tell? I can get a jobbb! O.O

You may think, "Uhh... Shouldn't you wait to get a job?" Well, maybe. However, my quality of life has been such that I think I'll be okay. I'll tell you a secret: Today's problems were because I've forgotten my nighttime meds a couple days in a row. It's only a milligram of Abilify, but that milligram makes all the difference. (: Anyway, Mom's not going to let me forget anymore and I think this problem will be a one-time thing.

Excuses, Excuses

Obviously, I haven't written in a while. I've been having trouble with my medicines and such. In fact, I'm not quite in the mood to be writing right now, but I figure if I get started, I can finish my story at a later date.

I'm at school again. It's fun and difficult. My favorite class is German and I feel no anxiety there whatsoever. (: I really like American Studies so far, too, but there's SO MANY PEOPLE in that class! Ergh. Uh. My weight lifting class is going to be interesting... I'm the only girl. Hm. Oh! My last class of the day is Art. Fun stuff. The teacher is uber cool. ((:

So I shall elaborate more and talk about what's been going on... Later. But now that I've started it'll be easier next time I go to write. Toodles! xD

Finally! x2

So, now I tell about being in the hospital. For privacy reasons, all names have been changed and I refuse to tell you who it is.

When I was admitted, it was really late (early?) and I got to bed around 4 a.m. The first day, I slept through pretty much everything except meals. I was annoyed because nobody would wake me up, but I didn't ask anyone to and I needed the sleep.

The days kinda swirl in my head now, but here are the things of note:

My psychiatrist was a lovely Indian woman who got my meds right the first time. :D She gave me life advice, such as "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing bad," and "Give them the right to be a bad relative or friend." The first is helping with my perfectionism and the second helped with forgiveness.

The groups were good, and there were some really sweet people there. I've come to realize that it's the sweethearts who get the crap in life. Or maybe they're sweethearts BECAUSE they've had crap. Either way, everyone was really, really awesome.

Hmm. One thing that really stuck out to me, was the guy with no arms and no legs. We watched a video and it kind of made the forgiveness thing click for me.

I guess that's all of the relevant information. You'd think after five days of being there, I'd have more to say. Alas, that's all the important stuff. If you want stories, I've got those and would be more than happy to share. If you want details about procedures and the like, I've got those... They're actually rather interesting. I don't really have anything else to say, except feel free to ask questions.