Uh-puh-puh Day-tuh-tuh (Update xD)

I've been doing fairly good. I'm on some meds that have been helping and I've had a quality of life that I haven't experienced in yearssssss.

..Until today. Last night, I had bad dreams, and lots of them. They were horrible. *shudders* All my deepest fears came to surface last night. I'm not strong enough to handle that and go to school. My anxiety level when I woke up was 8 or 9. [The anxiety scale goes as follows: 0 - No anxiety; 10 - panic attack] I've taken some meds and since then my anxiety level has gone down to a six or seven... Which is still too much. So I stayed home.

I found a website for people with anxiety problems... It's like, a forum or whatever. I'm hoping that it will be a good place to go. (:

In other news, I TURN SIXTEEN ON THURSDAYYY! Woot! I'm excited, can ya tell? I can get a jobbb! O.O

You may think, "Uhh... Shouldn't you wait to get a job?" Well, maybe. However, my quality of life has been such that I think I'll be okay. I'll tell you a secret: Today's problems were because I've forgotten my nighttime meds a couple days in a row. It's only a milligram of Abilify, but that milligram makes all the difference. (: Anyway, Mom's not going to let me forget anymore and I think this problem will be a one-time thing.

Excuses, Excuses

Obviously, I haven't written in a while. I've been having trouble with my medicines and such. In fact, I'm not quite in the mood to be writing right now, but I figure if I get started, I can finish my story at a later date.

I'm at school again. It's fun and difficult. My favorite class is German and I feel no anxiety there whatsoever. (: I really like American Studies so far, too, but there's SO MANY PEOPLE in that class! Ergh. Uh. My weight lifting class is going to be interesting... I'm the only girl. Hm. Oh! My last class of the day is Art. Fun stuff. The teacher is uber cool. ((:

So I shall elaborate more and talk about what's been going on... Later. But now that I've started it'll be easier next time I go to write. Toodles! xD

Finally! x2

So, now I tell about being in the hospital. For privacy reasons, all names have been changed and I refuse to tell you who it is.

When I was admitted, it was really late (early?) and I got to bed around 4 a.m. The first day, I slept through pretty much everything except meals. I was annoyed because nobody would wake me up, but I didn't ask anyone to and I needed the sleep.

The days kinda swirl in my head now, but here are the things of note:

My psychiatrist was a lovely Indian woman who got my meds right the first time. :D She gave me life advice, such as "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing bad," and "Give them the right to be a bad relative or friend." The first is helping with my perfectionism and the second helped with forgiveness.

The groups were good, and there were some really sweet people there. I've come to realize that it's the sweethearts who get the crap in life. Or maybe they're sweethearts BECAUSE they've had crap. Either way, everyone was really, really awesome.

Hmm. One thing that really stuck out to me, was the guy with no arms and no legs. We watched a video and it kind of made the forgiveness thing click for me.

I guess that's all of the relevant information. You'd think after five days of being there, I'd have more to say. Alas, that's all the important stuff. If you want stories, I've got those and would be more than happy to share. If you want details about procedures and the like, I've got those... They're actually rather interesting. I don't really have anything else to say, except feel free to ask questions.

Finally!

It is 1:43 AM, I'm not sleeping, and I feel like writing.

So, here goes. God, it musta been... Wednesday? I was home, David had a friend over, and I was upstairs in Mom and my bedroom, alone. Well, I got bored. Here's the strange part: Boredom was all that it was.

I was completely able to recognize what I was doing. I -chose- to do what I did.

Like I said, I was bored. I was thinking of things to do, and nothing sounded good. I thought about cutting, and was like, "hm, sounds boredom relieving." So I went downstairs and got a kitchen knife. I sat at the foot of mom's bed and started scratching at the inside of my leg. I scratched and scratched and scratched.

Then, I kind of stopped, looked at my leg and my knife (which was still moving on my leg at this point) and was like, "What the FUCK am I doing?" Then, I snapped... Kind of.

I felt rage and the want to throw things. So I did. This was no blind fury. This wasn't premeditated, either. I just got angry and decided to start throwing things. After I ran out of things to throw without traveling across the room, I stopped and looked at what I did. I screamed.

Now, let me backtrack just a little. As I was throwing things, I was feeling anger that diminished quickly. As soon as I was out of things to throw, I was out of emotion. As I screamed, something inside me kind of broke... Actually, it more like froze. My emotional self froze completely. I felt no emotion.

For someone who had felt only negative emotion for several weeks (I had a slight period of happiness recently... Other than that, it's been months... close to a year of near continual negative emotion), feeling no emotions at all was quite nice.

I was kind of freaked out, at first. You don't have to have emotion to think something is weird and not right. I wasn't used to feeling nothing, so I scrambled for the knife and was going to continue scratching myself, but David (bless his heart) plied the knife away from me.

Then it kind of sank in. My movements were like that of Gollum, almost, so I grabbed Fuffles (my baby blanket that I still have for comfort), the book I was reading, and sat on mom's bed in the AC and read until Mom got home.

David called mom and I refused to speak. [There was something about a closet in there somewhere after I screamed, but David noted it and I don't feel like going back].

When Mom came home, she was kinda frantic. She was crying, cleaning, begging me to explain what was going on. Lots of boring stuff happened, and then I ended up in the ER until about 10... 30. It was decided I was to go to Methodist Hospital. Mom and Uncle Bert took me home, I grabbed some stuff, and headed off.

By the time I got into bed (in the hallway -.-") it was 4:30 and I was zonked.

Speaking of zonked, I'm getting that way now. I will post more about my hospital visit next time. Until then, I hope this answers some of your questions.

Hehe Sorry.... Kinda

Dear Faithful Readers,

I apologize for being an unfaithful writer. Many people want to know what happened and how/why I went to the hospital. This information will come in time, my friends. My excuse for the past couple of days is that I just don't feel like sitting and writing it yet. I want to take it in and digest it first, then I'll give you my spin on it.

My excuse for this post being really short and of no real information? Cramps, and the fact that it's 5:48 a.m., I'm sleepless, and I should be sleeping. xD

With love and no regret,
Sammi

From Sammi's Mom

Hello to all of Sammi's friends and followers of her blog. As David said, Sammi was admitted to the hospital. After the first day, they changed her meds, after the second day, she started to feel much better.

I have gone to visit every day and have seen progress with each visit. Yesterday she smiled and her eyes lit up like they used to. Her demeanor is more expressive and and she is laughing. She says her anxiety level is about 5 which is better than the 9 or 10 she has been living with.

Thanks for all of the good wishes and prayers, we appreciate them very much!

A Post From David

Hey everyone. This is Sammi's younger brother, David. I just wanted to share MY outlook and perspective on things.

I'll start off my stating my mental illness. I have depression. I know, it's not as bad as Sammi, but it still sucks. I've had a few panic attacks so I know what she's going through. Well, where to begin... I've never written anything on a blog before. Hmm.

Some bad stuff has happened today. First off, I hurt my back even worse than it already was. As soon as I woke up, I went freerunning (if you don't know what it is, YouTube it. It's amazing.) with my friend Richard. We got up on this roof, and the only way down is to jump. Sooo, I landed wrong. It hurt. Next, I come home to chill, and I hear a scream from Sammi's room. I rushed up there, knowing she was having a really bad panic attack. She was standing there, throwing things. I asked her to calm down, no dice. She ran and grabbed a knife from her bed. I have NO idea how it got there. She ran to the stairs and was about to cut herself, I'm guessing, when I grabbed the knife from her hand and hid it where she couldn't find it. When I got back, she was hiding in her closet, shaking and crying. I coaxed her out and called Mom. She got off work early and came home to help. I'm glad I was there.

Last thing that happened? I had a near-cops experience. After the whole panic attack thing, this didn't seem too bad. Richard and I got up on a roof (a different one) to watch a softball game. I don't know what was going through our heads. Well, some apparently not-so-random guy told us to get down and go to him or he's calling the cops. We did, and he chewed us out about how if anything was broken we'd get arrested. Then a cop actually showed, and I got a free ride. Fun.

Well, after I got home I recieved a call from Mom. Sammi's being admitted to Methodist Hospital in Peoria tonight. I'm waiting here until they get home so I can ride along.

Please keep Sammi in your thoughts and prayers. I don't know how long this hospitalization will last, but I really hope it'll be for the better. Well, I'd better get off the computer and get ready to go before they get here. Again, please keep her in your thoughts, prayers, whatever. Your support is much appreciated, everyone.

P.S. If you read this and don't know me, you can add me on facebook. http://facebook.com/daid3oyd is the URL. Just have a note added saying something as simple as "blog".