New Diagnosis

Okay, so it's been a while since I've posted.

*shameface*

Yeah, I know. I'm going to update you now and then pretend like I've been keeping you guys up to date like I should, kay? :)

I was in the hospital for a couple of days, but all I really needed was a med adjustment. One guy really pissed me off - he first told me that I didn't need to be at the hospital, then told me I was an attention seeker, and then made fun of my smile. Like, WTF?! Actually, I shall correct myself. He didn't -tell- me that I didn't need to be in the hospital and that I'm an attention seeker, he told that to a nurse RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Passive aggressive or what?! Ugh. He did make fun of my smile to my face, though.

ANYWAY. My psychiatrist changed my meds and then let me go. I'll list out my meds and their functions at the end of this post.

So this week has been great. I started by working out, and then I've stayed at school full days TWO DAYS IN A ROW. DUDE. Isn't that crazy?! It's crazy. I've not been able to do that for so long.

Today, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and she decided to change my diagnosis to Bipolar Disorder. The difference is in how it's treated. I'm kind of in a tough place because I have ADD and Bipolar. The problem is that you don't want to give a person with Bipolar stimulants, which is how you treat ADD. The solution for now is a low-dose of a stimulant along with my regular Bipolar treatment.

Med list:
Zoloft 100mg Once Daily - For depression and helps with my anxiety

Concerta 16mg Once Daily (I think) - For ADD - we just lowered the dose from 36mg

Buspar 10mg Three Times Daily - For my anxiety

Lamictil 50mg Once Daily - Mood Stabilizer to keep my every day mood from bouncing around so much. I'm taking 50 mg for two weeks, and then doubling to 100mg daily

Geodon 60mg Once Daily - Anti-psychiotic to keep me from being manic

Restoril 30mg at night - To help me sleeep. Because I have insomnia problems.

So yeah. It's kind of comforting to know that I've been diagnosed with bipolar. It seems to fit and I think it's the right diagnosis. We'll see how the next couple of weeks go, eh?

OOH! I wanted to say that I've also added exercise to my weekly schedule. OMIGOD. Between my med switch when I was in the hospital and actually getting up and MOVING, I feel so good. Like, exercising has really made that much of a difference. It's insane, in a good way. YEE-HAW! Or something like that lol

So yes. I feel good. I feel really good. I'm going to keep this up because I like feeling good and being happy.

Ugh! Hmph *makes pouty face*

I want to get on here and say something along the lines of, "GUYS! I've been doing so fabulously! I've been taking my meds right and they're working well! I've been making friends again and I really am getting my life straight!"

Buuuut, no.

I was doing really well for a while! I was. But then... I don't know what happened.

It started with a few little problems, and then it turned into a full blown I-think-I'm-going-to-die-let's-go-to-the-ER event. -.-" Yeah, I'm still not happy about that.

So what happened? The short version is this: I flipped. I had a panic attack where I couldn't sit or stand still, I was freaking out, and I irrationally refused to take any medication at home. So we went to the ER. We spent 5 1/2 hrs in the freakin' ER.

Then, I woke up today and I could -not- go to school. My mom called my psychiatrist's office and got me an appointment. She had to work, though, so my dad took me. It was fairly uneventful. The doc ordered a new med for me to help with my sleeplessness and depressive symptoms (which I've been exhibiting again, big time) and upped my anxiety meds.

So now I'm on five different medications. HOPEFULLY this will help me out. I've been taking my meds like I'm supposed to and doing (some of) my relaxation stuff. *shrug* I guess I need to be doing more relaxation stuff, eh? Yeah, I know. *sigh* Okay. I will do more relaxation stuff. I will force myself.

So yeah, that's what's been going on. I'll keep you posted about how these meds work.

OOOH! I want a fishie. So if anyone has a fish they're trying to get rid of or just don't want anymore, I'll take it/them. I want a fishhhhhh. xD

Sooo....

So, I know it's been forever, and I'm sorry about that. You guys have been so good to stick with me when I was having rough times, I should do better about informing you when life is going well.

That being said, life is fabulous lately. My panic attacks are being kept to a minimum and I'm going to the regular high school for one class a day. My hair has been growing out and I've had to get it reshaped a couple of times. I had a mullet. It was disgusting, hahaha.

Yeah! I've been playing guitar a lot, which is mega fun. I've been learning a lot of new stuff and writing, although honestly most of my stuff is really depressing. I'm getting there, though. Once I get out of this whole "Being happy is really weird" thing, I'll be able to write about more lighthearted topics.

I've had a couple episodes since I last posted where I cut myself, but lately I've been doing soooo well. I've told my mom or someone when I get dangerous thoughts and I get myself out of a situation where I'd do something stupid.

I've been really happy lately, although I've had some issues with being around lots of people. *shrug* You win some, you lose some... But lately, I'm bi-WINNING. ;) Anyone who gets that reference gets a biiig hug. Bwahaha.

Anyway, I'll try to post more soon! Love you and thaaank you for reading. <3

Life is Not Always Easy, But Music Is

So I've got cottage cheese hands right now. It's kinda gross ish, but it's because I'm cold.

Anyway! It's winter break! Woooo! Christmas was good, etc. etc.

Ah, to think of the important stuff. I've been playing guitar like, nonstop almost. I've been having panic attacks semi-regularly. Oh, my doctor changed my meds last time I went which was about two weeks ago? Two and a half? I can't remember. But she changed my meds. I've been playing backgammon like crazy and I haven't been sleeping worth a darn.

So that is pretty much my life. I will make a sincere effort to post more often and let you know what's going on as it's happening.

My rant today is on respect. Respect is something that a lot of people lack and something that even more expect to get without earning it.

In my opinion, respect -must- be earned, no matter who you are. Granted, a certain baseline measure of respect is granted to all people because they are human, all objects because they have worth to somebody, all animals because they have feelings, and all of nature because it is a complicated web that is heavily cause and effect and food chain. You don't screw up the food chain. Period.

Back to respect. There's a baseline measure of respect, right? For the most part, that stays the same from human to human. Don't kill each other, don't eat each other's food without permission, don't pee in people's shoes, etc. That's just kind of expected.

However, after that baseline, respect needs to be earned. Respect can be given to a stranger in a large amount because they are a stranger and you expect them to give you the same amount. If that does not happen, you adjust your level and keep going.

What frustrates me are the people who think that they can disrespect people and get away with it, especially people in authority positions. I think some parents think that just because they're parents, they deserve a giant amount of respect. I agree with this, to a degree. Parents are parents, and even if you don't agree with them, you need to do as they say.

The problems come when parents scream at their kids constantly, and expect them not to scream back. Parents need to treat their kids like human beings. If you don't like someone to do something to you, WHY do you do it to your kids? I mean, sometimes, it's necessary. You don't like people scolding you, but you have to scold your kids. Okay, sure. That makes sense. But if you don't like someone interrupting you when you're speaking or rolling their eyes, then why do you do it?

I've seen this happen more than once with more than one family. The parents (normally lazy micro-managers themselves) mock the children and scream and yell and expect the kids to sit there and take it, and then do -exactly- what the parents say. That's not how it works! If you don't give your kids that baseline amount of respect, they're not going to give it to you.

And here lies a big problem for a lot of people. They don't give the people they love respect, so why should they respect people they -don't- love or even themselves? Respect is a big deal.

I challenge everyone to think before they act. Seriously think about how you treat the people in your life that you love dearly and put yourself in their shoes. Objectively decide whether you treat them the way they want to be treated or if you're not treating them well. Even if they don't treat you with respect, try and be nice to them for just a day or two, even if it's hard. You may be surprised at the outcome.

I, personally, have to remember to respect David. I love him to death, but sometimes I can get mean. I try to give my mother respect, but it's not too difficult because she gives it to me, first.

So there is your homework. My homework for now is to work on loving myself for who I am. It's difficult, but every day I get better at it. Today, I looked in the mirror and thought, "I look beautiful today," without scolding myself or saying something mean to myself about being vain. I just looked good today. Period. I'm getting closer to my goal every day.

Listening to Flyleaf and Paramoreeee!

So, I did go to the doctor Monday. The consensus was this: I take too high a dosage of medication. I take twice the normal amount of my anti-depressant and apparently I take a little over two times the amount of ADD medicine.

Yeah, not cool, right? No wonder we can't figure out my meds. I'm almost tempted to be like, "Okay, clean slate! Take me off all my meds and then start new!" That would be incredibly drastic, though. Incredibly. Drastic.

Instead, we're simply backing me slowly down on my meds until I get better. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday, so we'll see what she says.

In other news, I've been hanging out with my sister, which is really cool. Bad news? Yesterday, I had three panic attacks. Not cool.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to leave this at a rather short post because I'm running out of things to say (astonishing, I know).

It's Too Damn Cold!

Once again, I fail at keeping up with this danged blog. I'm gonna keep trying, though! Eventually, I'll get good at it. :)

So, not much has been going on with me lately. I've been playing guitar so much that my arms are having circulation issues because of it. Do you think that will keep me from practicing until I physically can't move my fingers anymore? Noooope. :D

Uhm. Ooh! I'm doing a WHOLE BUNCH better at knowing my own boundaries and setting them with other people. I even know when I need to separate myself from groups and take a break.

I've been having weird dizziness problems lately and it's getting really really bad. I'm going to the doctor today to see what the heck is going on because it's interfering with my life. Last night, I was so dizzy and nauseous that I was crying on the couch with my arm over my eyes thinking, "I'm going to die!" Yeah, it was bad.

I've been having issues with school lately, too. It's not so much that the people there are hard to handle, it's handling myself well enough to attend school on a regular basis. I'm trying, but it's so difficult, especially when my meds don't work right, I have people screaming at me in my head, I'm randomly so dizzy that I can't move, and I'm fighting this disease which is self injury.

I've also realized what a big problem this self injury thing is. I've been scratching, cutting, biting, etc. myself since I was like, twelve. However, I didn't draw blood that often and most of the time it was things like scratching a bugbite until it was so raw that I'd ripped a layer or two of skin off my arm or other body part and was bleeding and stuff. That, I just attributed to the fact that I pick at everything. However, I now realize that I was hurting myself.

Why, you may ask, would I do something so taboo? Why would I intentionally harm myself? Most people think that people who hurt themselves do so for attention. This is not always true. Sure, since the internet can give out information so easily, people have found that hurting themselves is a very good way to get attention, but there are some easy tells.

(I know I'm going off in random tangents, but I'll come back to other points soon.) Several easy ways to know that someone is not cutting, scratching, biting, etc. for attention are these:

They've told nobody. People who hurt themselves for reasons other than attention don't tell other people, because people will freak out and make them stop and they DO NOT want to stop. If they do tell someone, they usually are detached from their emotions and are doing so for very individualized reasons.

They hurt themselves in places that are easy to hide. Some places are the bottom of the forearm (long shirts hide it), the inside of the upper thighs (pants, duh), the top of the feet (shoes), etc. Sometimes, if something traumatizing has happened, they hurt themselves on the afflicted area. I've heard of people hurting themselves on their breasts, stomach, back of the neck, waist, hips, genitals, etc.

So there's a couple ways you can know if they're doing it for attention or not.

Why do I hurt myself? It's kind of complicated. You see, I associate pain with safety and affection. How did I end up doing something so messed up? I can't quite explain it, but I know that it has to do with my dad and the way he used to say extremely hurtful things to me. Therefore, I recreate those feelings by inflicting pain upon myself, physically and mentally. Not only do I hurt myself physically, but I say incredibly mean things to myself while I do it.

It happens like this: I have extreme anxious feelings and need to feel safe. Since I associate pain with safety, I hurt myself. Yes, I know, it's screwed up, but it's how my brain is wired. I'm currently rewiring my brain, but it's taking a long time.

Lately, I've realized what a problem this is because every time I find myself in an uncomfortable situation, I'm pressing my nails into my arm, picking my lips until they're sore and then using my teeth to scratch at them, yelling at myself in my head, and causing myself to be in situations where I'm very uncomfortable, such as making myself go out into the cold with bare feet and short sleeves or taking a shower that's so cold it hurts. I'm working on it though. Currently, I'm working on realizing when I do that sort of thing and then stopping myself. I'm doing fairly well.

In good news, I'm becoming more active. I don't sit around and watch anime all day anymore. I do productive things, like put music on my computer, do yoga, walk around, clean up, have conversations with people, etc. It's little things that make my day easier to bear.

So yes. That is what is currently happening. I'll post again later to let you know what's going on with my doctor's appointment and the such.

This Scene Is Dead But I'm Still Restless...

So the last thing I talked about was my bad day.

I've had several other bad days since then, but nothing like that. I tried going to school once this past week but that didn't turn out so well. However, I'm going to school on Monday! Period!

Frankly, I'm exhausted. I'm tiiiired and sometimes I feel like giving up and just becoming a hermit in my basement. Actually, being a hermit in my basement doesn't sound too bad. ...Anyway...

I was thinking about this crap and life in general when I decided I can't give up. Not only would that be a surefire way to keep my anxiety close beside me at all times, but it would be royally selfish. Do you realize how many people I can relate to? Do you realize that since I can relate to people, I can help them (if they'll let me)? That's a freakin' lot of people. People whose lives might be changed because of a little help from someone who has already been through the same crap. So I can't give up and become a hermit. I've got stuff to do.

Plus, this can't last forever.

...Right?...

Anyhoozle. Moral of the story: I'm not becoming a hermit in my basement even if the idea is sounding increasingly good.

Next order of business: I have written a song. I have written a beautiful song that I wish to share with the world. :)

I wrote this song like, four years ago? God, a lot of things happened when I was twelve, which is beside the point. This song is about a girl who is attempting suicide. (She doesn't actually kill herself - someone finds her and saves her.) It hints at her past, which is rocky and difficult. "Once Upon a Feeling" is an emotional song that I <3 to play on the piano.

Here is a link to me playing the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGVqVlq1TZQ

There's a version of the song on my YouTube that is the computer playing the song, but I think I do it better, even if the sound quality is kinda crappy.

Another subject change!

Just a random passing thought, but when I write my blog, I don't edit myself. I write out a commentary of what is going on in my head. I write like I'm talking to someone, even if that person doesn't feel like responding to anything I say, therefore making our conversation into a monologue.

If I were to write like how I write instead of how I think, I feel that the blog would lack a certain pizazz that I think it somewhat has now.

It is now 8:56 and I am getting very sleepy. I think I shall go like, sleep or something. Maybe I'll curl up and play video games. I dunno. But I'm getting off the computer.

<3

Bad Day

Yes, I had a bad day after my amazing day.

My bad day started off really amazingly. I rode the bus and the kids on there are so sweet! I love them to death. :) Special thanks go to Madison (who undoubtedly doesn't read this because she's in 3rd grade) because she's my special friend. :))

Kids are so adorable. Madison helps me feel comfortable and accepted amongst the little kids. Thank youuu!

So anyway. School was pretty good. I had no panic attacks. Good, right? Well, no. I'd much rather have panic attacks than what happened.

I had an OCD problem (which I'm going to talk to my doctor about because it's getting to be a big issue). You see, I was working on my psychology class and there was a picture of a brain. I had the compulsion, after seeing the picture, to saw off my head and take out my brain. Completely irrational, right? Right. So I went down to the office and thanks to Officer Woolsey and Mrs. Pacheco (or however you spell it) for helping me out. Then the fun started.

At first, I thought I was having disconesia problems. Disconesia is when one side of your body shakes uncontrollably, your tongue lolls out to one side, and/or you lay your head against one shoulder uncontrollably, usually as a reaction to a medication. I was having issues with my tongue not wanting to stay in my mouth, my head was cocked to one side, and I was like, "Great. This crap... Again."

Turns out, it wasn't that crap. After a couple of minutes, I started seizing, somewhat big time. I fell out of my chair and went into spasms on the floor off and on for ten minutes. It was scary. To my utter embarrassment and chagrin, all students were kept in their classrooms and nobody was let out into the hallways... Uh oh. Not only was I spazzing on the floor of the school office, but I was holding up the regular school day. Heh. Oops.

Approximately ten minutes after it started, my mom got to the school and by then I was exhausted and done with the spazzing. I was TIRED. Freakin' tired.

My mom and I have talked and we think it was OCD problems, and not panic or reaction to my meds, but I'm gonna talk to my p-doc next time I'm over there and see what she thinks. :)

Stay mentally healthy, my friends! ((:

Just A Short Blurb

BIG STEPS HAVE BEEN TAKEN TOWARD ME BEING FUNCTIONAL IN SOCIETY!

Whew. Lemme start from the beginning.

So yesterday I went to my p-doc and she decided to change my ADD meds to something longer lasting. Yesterday morning was rough. I had a pretty bad panic attack before school started but the rest of my day was okay.

And then, today, I had NO panic attacks! NONE! It was amazinggg!!! Then, to top off my fabulous day, I got to spend time with Mitchell :)

Yes. I had a faaaaabulous day today and I even went to school! :)

Listening to Bohemian Rhapsody (:

Just an update.

As always, there's something new going on. No, I don't have any downtime... Ever. I go from drama to drama, but isn't that just life? Now, let me clarify drama - drama is NOT fighting with people or starting rumors. Drama is the crap I have to deal with in every day life.

First piece of drama to be addressed: I saw my dad last night. Dad and I don't have the best relationship, in fact, one might say our relationship is rather bad, but at least we have a relationship. Anyway, I saw him last night. I was kinda nervous, but it was alright. He's had a back surgery but he's doing well... Sort of. He's bored and lonely, but that's kind of to be expected.

Next piece of drama: I got a new computer! \/\/007. (For those of you who don't read 1337sp34k, that says "Woot".) It's an old lap top, but I only paid like $130 (Yippeee!) and I paid for it all on my own so it's MINE. :D The fact that it's MINE means that A) I can say, "NO! Don't touch my computer!" and B) I'm more likely to take better care of it because I paid for it with my own moneyy. Now I can be on my computer and not have to get off when someone wants to use it. Yeeeeehawwwww!

Last piece of drama: I didn't go to school today. I was too nervous as to what would happen if I was there and mom wasn't available. Plus, my meds are pretty screwed up and I learned that my ADD meds only last for 4hrs., which is utter bullpoopie. Yes, bullpoopie. However, I am going to school tomorrow and then I have an appointment with my psychiatrist after school. Fun stuff? Sure.

So there ya go. Oh! Mitchell's and my 8 month anniversary is on Thursday! :D

OH! AGAIN! lol (I really need to get my thoughts in order before I start blogging, eh?)

This weekend, I spent time with Mitch, Kristen, Chris, and David (boyfriend, best friend/cousin, best friend's boyfriend, and brother, respectively) and didn't freak out! O.O I know! It was nuts. We went to the haunted maze and flashlight maze at Country Corner (Alpha, IL). I'll put their website at the end of this post. It was a blast! There are like, 400 people with chainsaws in that frikkin' haunted maze. Blech. It was fun, though. (:

And, last but not least, a snippet of wisdom before I log off. I've found that in order to do what you need to, sometimes you have to shirk your responsibilities. No, I'm not telling you to stop doing what you need to be doing, but in the words of someone I hold very dear, "Sometimes, you have to just live." I've taken that to heart. As someone who grew up believing that my well being falls significantly farther behind everybody else's and that responsibility was to be put before happiness at all costs, it's heartening to learn that sometimes just mushing on the couch on a Monday morning and not putting myself through that much pain and grievance is sometimes a good thing. Not every Monday, but once in a while, it's good to just be.

OMG I Posted! O.O

So I epically fail at this whole "blogging" thing. However, I'm gonna give it another go. A loooot has happened since I got out of the hospital.

We moved back into our house out in the country. Fun stuff, right? Fo sho. Our upstairs is getting put together (finally!) and we're actually living in a space with natural light shining in. O.O Crazy, huh?

I started going to GHSNorth, the alternative school. The staff and students there are really awesome. Well, the staff for sure. The students (most of them) have kinda avoided me. It's understandable, really. They already have their group of friends that I've never even heard of. I don't even have any mutual friends to be like, "Hey, you're friends with so-and-so, right? Well they told me to tell you hi!" and thus start a friendship. Nooope. And, to further alienate me from the student body, I have a panic disorder and nobody really knows what to do about it. I mean, I get it. It's scary and you have nooo idea what to do. The fact that I haven't really met anyone or made friends still sucks though.

However, I did make one friend. Her name is Sam (hahaha). She's really cool and we talk during classes and stuff.

I've made significant progress since starting North. I've got my panic attacks down to one a day and I even rode the bus today. Big yay! However, I also took a huuuge step back.

I scratched... Again. There was another incident where I scratched, but I didn't do it like this. This time, I wrote words. Not nice words.

So now I'm sitting at Mom's work, just chillin', blogging, not really knowing what to do with myself.

Oh, I'm seeing a new psychiatrist. She's really cool. She asked like, over nine thousand questions (which was good) and she gave me her input. I've been officially diagnosed with Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Attention Deficit Disorder. To add to that, my P-Dr. (psychiatrist) thinks I may have Bi-Polar disorder. Ughh.

So yeah. I think I've gotten you mostly caught up on what's going on. I can't think of anything else. I'll post more, promise. (: Bye now

Happy birthday?

I've been horrid about keeping up this blog. I'll try to do better, promise.

So school started. The first week, not bad. Only minor incidents, and on Friday, I had no panic attacks. :D Monday... Well, I don't honestly remember. Tuesday, I was so anxious I didn't go to school. I was so anxious it hurt... It hurt my stomach, my head, my muscles, everything. Wednesday, I attempted school but went home during first period because I had such a horrible panic attack.

Thursday, today, my birthday, I didn't go to school. I got dressed, I started to put on my make up, and had a panic attack. I went upstairs to talk to Mom and she was like, "If you can't do it, you can't do it." So I didn't go to school.

Guess who spent their birthday feeling like a failure? *points to self* Yep.

I guess my day got a little better when I went to see Dad. After that, I went to Red Lobster with mom and David. That was actually pretty fun... There was some good conversation and people sang to me. It was embarrassing and funny ((:

Then I came home and worked on a project. Everything was going swell until I ran out of tape. Now I'm freaking out because my project isn't done, it was due Wednesday, and I'm out of tape. Shit.

My logical mind (the one I should be listening to) says that in the morning, I can go to WalGreens before school, take fifteen minutes, and finish up this project. The not-so-logical side of me says a bunch of what-ifs and I'm freaking out.

So now I'm thinking about school tomorrow. P.E. isn't going to be good. I don't like P.E., I don't do well in P.E., and I'm anxious in P.E.. When I work out at school, my body produces adrenaline (like when I'm having a panic attack), and I freak out. Not fun. So I'm getting my class changed to Music Appreciation. We'll see how this goes.

I'm working on some creative things, too. Like right now, I'm knitting, doing needlepoint, drawing frequently, and writing music. Is it helping? I dunno. But I'm knitting booties so my feet won't be cold in the basement. (:

I believe this is enough of an update for tonight. So, goodnight. ((:

Uh-puh-puh Day-tuh-tuh (Update xD)

I've been doing fairly good. I'm on some meds that have been helping and I've had a quality of life that I haven't experienced in yearssssss.

..Until today. Last night, I had bad dreams, and lots of them. They were horrible. *shudders* All my deepest fears came to surface last night. I'm not strong enough to handle that and go to school. My anxiety level when I woke up was 8 or 9. [The anxiety scale goes as follows: 0 - No anxiety; 10 - panic attack] I've taken some meds and since then my anxiety level has gone down to a six or seven... Which is still too much. So I stayed home.

I found a website for people with anxiety problems... It's like, a forum or whatever. I'm hoping that it will be a good place to go. (:

In other news, I TURN SIXTEEN ON THURSDAYYY! Woot! I'm excited, can ya tell? I can get a jobbb! O.O

You may think, "Uhh... Shouldn't you wait to get a job?" Well, maybe. However, my quality of life has been such that I think I'll be okay. I'll tell you a secret: Today's problems were because I've forgotten my nighttime meds a couple days in a row. It's only a milligram of Abilify, but that milligram makes all the difference. (: Anyway, Mom's not going to let me forget anymore and I think this problem will be a one-time thing.

Excuses, Excuses

Obviously, I haven't written in a while. I've been having trouble with my medicines and such. In fact, I'm not quite in the mood to be writing right now, but I figure if I get started, I can finish my story at a later date.

I'm at school again. It's fun and difficult. My favorite class is German and I feel no anxiety there whatsoever. (: I really like American Studies so far, too, but there's SO MANY PEOPLE in that class! Ergh. Uh. My weight lifting class is going to be interesting... I'm the only girl. Hm. Oh! My last class of the day is Art. Fun stuff. The teacher is uber cool. ((:

So I shall elaborate more and talk about what's been going on... Later. But now that I've started it'll be easier next time I go to write. Toodles! xD

Finally! x2

So, now I tell about being in the hospital. For privacy reasons, all names have been changed and I refuse to tell you who it is.

When I was admitted, it was really late (early?) and I got to bed around 4 a.m. The first day, I slept through pretty much everything except meals. I was annoyed because nobody would wake me up, but I didn't ask anyone to and I needed the sleep.

The days kinda swirl in my head now, but here are the things of note:

My psychiatrist was a lovely Indian woman who got my meds right the first time. :D She gave me life advice, such as "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing bad," and "Give them the right to be a bad relative or friend." The first is helping with my perfectionism and the second helped with forgiveness.

The groups were good, and there were some really sweet people there. I've come to realize that it's the sweethearts who get the crap in life. Or maybe they're sweethearts BECAUSE they've had crap. Either way, everyone was really, really awesome.

Hmm. One thing that really stuck out to me, was the guy with no arms and no legs. We watched a video and it kind of made the forgiveness thing click for me.

I guess that's all of the relevant information. You'd think after five days of being there, I'd have more to say. Alas, that's all the important stuff. If you want stories, I've got those and would be more than happy to share. If you want details about procedures and the like, I've got those... They're actually rather interesting. I don't really have anything else to say, except feel free to ask questions.

Finally!

It is 1:43 AM, I'm not sleeping, and I feel like writing.

So, here goes. God, it musta been... Wednesday? I was home, David had a friend over, and I was upstairs in Mom and my bedroom, alone. Well, I got bored. Here's the strange part: Boredom was all that it was.

I was completely able to recognize what I was doing. I -chose- to do what I did.

Like I said, I was bored. I was thinking of things to do, and nothing sounded good. I thought about cutting, and was like, "hm, sounds boredom relieving." So I went downstairs and got a kitchen knife. I sat at the foot of mom's bed and started scratching at the inside of my leg. I scratched and scratched and scratched.

Then, I kind of stopped, looked at my leg and my knife (which was still moving on my leg at this point) and was like, "What the FUCK am I doing?" Then, I snapped... Kind of.

I felt rage and the want to throw things. So I did. This was no blind fury. This wasn't premeditated, either. I just got angry and decided to start throwing things. After I ran out of things to throw without traveling across the room, I stopped and looked at what I did. I screamed.

Now, let me backtrack just a little. As I was throwing things, I was feeling anger that diminished quickly. As soon as I was out of things to throw, I was out of emotion. As I screamed, something inside me kind of broke... Actually, it more like froze. My emotional self froze completely. I felt no emotion.

For someone who had felt only negative emotion for several weeks (I had a slight period of happiness recently... Other than that, it's been months... close to a year of near continual negative emotion), feeling no emotions at all was quite nice.

I was kind of freaked out, at first. You don't have to have emotion to think something is weird and not right. I wasn't used to feeling nothing, so I scrambled for the knife and was going to continue scratching myself, but David (bless his heart) plied the knife away from me.

Then it kind of sank in. My movements were like that of Gollum, almost, so I grabbed Fuffles (my baby blanket that I still have for comfort), the book I was reading, and sat on mom's bed in the AC and read until Mom got home.

David called mom and I refused to speak. [There was something about a closet in there somewhere after I screamed, but David noted it and I don't feel like going back].

When Mom came home, she was kinda frantic. She was crying, cleaning, begging me to explain what was going on. Lots of boring stuff happened, and then I ended up in the ER until about 10... 30. It was decided I was to go to Methodist Hospital. Mom and Uncle Bert took me home, I grabbed some stuff, and headed off.

By the time I got into bed (in the hallway -.-") it was 4:30 and I was zonked.

Speaking of zonked, I'm getting that way now. I will post more about my hospital visit next time. Until then, I hope this answers some of your questions.

Hehe Sorry.... Kinda

Dear Faithful Readers,

I apologize for being an unfaithful writer. Many people want to know what happened and how/why I went to the hospital. This information will come in time, my friends. My excuse for the past couple of days is that I just don't feel like sitting and writing it yet. I want to take it in and digest it first, then I'll give you my spin on it.

My excuse for this post being really short and of no real information? Cramps, and the fact that it's 5:48 a.m., I'm sleepless, and I should be sleeping. xD

With love and no regret,
Sammi

From Sammi's Mom

Hello to all of Sammi's friends and followers of her blog. As David said, Sammi was admitted to the hospital. After the first day, they changed her meds, after the second day, she started to feel much better.

I have gone to visit every day and have seen progress with each visit. Yesterday she smiled and her eyes lit up like they used to. Her demeanor is more expressive and and she is laughing. She says her anxiety level is about 5 which is better than the 9 or 10 she has been living with.

Thanks for all of the good wishes and prayers, we appreciate them very much!

A Post From David

Hey everyone. This is Sammi's younger brother, David. I just wanted to share MY outlook and perspective on things.

I'll start off my stating my mental illness. I have depression. I know, it's not as bad as Sammi, but it still sucks. I've had a few panic attacks so I know what she's going through. Well, where to begin... I've never written anything on a blog before. Hmm.

Some bad stuff has happened today. First off, I hurt my back even worse than it already was. As soon as I woke up, I went freerunning (if you don't know what it is, YouTube it. It's amazing.) with my friend Richard. We got up on this roof, and the only way down is to jump. Sooo, I landed wrong. It hurt. Next, I come home to chill, and I hear a scream from Sammi's room. I rushed up there, knowing she was having a really bad panic attack. She was standing there, throwing things. I asked her to calm down, no dice. She ran and grabbed a knife from her bed. I have NO idea how it got there. She ran to the stairs and was about to cut herself, I'm guessing, when I grabbed the knife from her hand and hid it where she couldn't find it. When I got back, she was hiding in her closet, shaking and crying. I coaxed her out and called Mom. She got off work early and came home to help. I'm glad I was there.

Last thing that happened? I had a near-cops experience. After the whole panic attack thing, this didn't seem too bad. Richard and I got up on a roof (a different one) to watch a softball game. I don't know what was going through our heads. Well, some apparently not-so-random guy told us to get down and go to him or he's calling the cops. We did, and he chewed us out about how if anything was broken we'd get arrested. Then a cop actually showed, and I got a free ride. Fun.

Well, after I got home I recieved a call from Mom. Sammi's being admitted to Methodist Hospital in Peoria tonight. I'm waiting here until they get home so I can ride along.

Please keep Sammi in your thoughts and prayers. I don't know how long this hospitalization will last, but I really hope it'll be for the better. Well, I'd better get off the computer and get ready to go before they get here. Again, please keep her in your thoughts, prayers, whatever. Your support is much appreciated, everyone.

P.S. If you read this and don't know me, you can add me on facebook. http://facebook.com/daid3oyd is the URL. Just have a note added saying something as simple as "blog".

ER Visit and Jacked Up Meds

>.> Last night, I was in the E.R. It sucked.

What happened was this: I got a buttload of adrenaline, and then about a minute later, I got incredibly weak, dizzy and lightheaded, and nauseous. Mamma took me and we sat on a bench. Ten or fifteen minutes later, I was finally in the car. The right side of my body was doing random jerking stuff that I didn't like and I couldn't control. Even the right side of my face and neck. I ended up with a big slobber spot on my right shoulder from where my tongue was lolling outside my mouth.

Kind of amusing: the Dr. told me to stick out my tongue, but I couldn't keep it in the middle. My dang tongue kept moving to the right side. Ungh.

Anyway, so the doctor (or rather, Physician's Assistant) was very kind to me... And he had a good sense of humor. (:

They made me get an IV. I hated it. If you ever have to get an IV, I'm sooo sorry. They pushed the Saline in and I could feel it in my throat!! And it tasted like helium. Eeeeew. Then, they gave me 25mg of Benedryl and said that in 25 minutes I could have the rest. That's a lot of Benedryl. Like, the little pills are 25, and aren't you supposed to only take one? Guhh.

So I told the doctor, "Doesn't Benedryl come in pills?" and he said "Yes, but the IV's faster." -.-" Humor me.

Then when the lady was sticking me, I asked, "Can't we sign like, a DNI or something? You know, "Do Not Insert"?" Mom was like, "No, that's already Do Not Intubate." Ugh.

I ended up getting the dang thing. If you have to get Benedryl injected for an IV, ask them to water it down. It burns. Plus, I felt nauseous and I didn't move my left arm at all because I didn't want to upset the stupid IV. I don't like needles.. Or long plastic things in my vein used to spread medicine around. *shakes head* No thanks.

So, at a quarter 'til 10, they gave me the other 25 mg of Benedryl and told me the Dr. wanted me to stay until 10. Woohoo! I got to leave at 10! ...Or not.

I mean, I'm sure they were working as fast as they could, but I really don't have much patience when I have alien objects stuck in my veins. In fact, one could argue that I don't have much patience period, and that gets amplified when I have foreign objects tampering with my bloodstream.

I ended up getting out around 10:30. Mom ended up taking out my IV around 10:15. Thank you, Mommaaaa!! She loves me. <3

I ended up walking out of the ER, no weird unwanted movement on my right side, but so totally doped up. *nods*

Anyway, the reason they think I was having these symptoms is because the Seroquil built up in my body and I had this reaction. I'm going to talk to Dr. B sometime today and until then my meds are on hold. Fun? Not really.

I'm in kind of a bad mood due to lack of sleep and this annoying pain on the left side of my nose. *shrugs* I'll be fine, though. Questions? Feel free to ask.

Oh, and yes, I know the doctors and nurses were doing what was good for me etc. Mom told me last night, "You know, you're a horrible patient." I looked her in the eye and said, "Yep!" Sorry, guys.