So, I did go to the doctor Monday. The consensus was this: I take too high a dosage of medication. I take twice the normal amount of my anti-depressant and apparently I take a little over two times the amount of ADD medicine.
Yeah, not cool, right? No wonder we can't figure out my meds. I'm almost tempted to be like, "Okay, clean slate! Take me off all my meds and then start new!" That would be incredibly drastic, though. Incredibly. Drastic.
Instead, we're simply backing me slowly down on my meds until I get better. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday, so we'll see what she says.
In other news, I've been hanging out with my sister, which is really cool. Bad news? Yesterday, I had three panic attacks. Not cool.
Unfortunately, I'm going to have to leave this at a rather short post because I'm running out of things to say (astonishing, I know).
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
It's Too Damn Cold!
Once again, I fail at keeping up with this danged blog. I'm gonna keep trying, though! Eventually, I'll get good at it. :)
So, not much has been going on with me lately. I've been playing guitar so much that my arms are having circulation issues because of it. Do you think that will keep me from practicing until I physically can't move my fingers anymore? Noooope. :D
Uhm. Ooh! I'm doing a WHOLE BUNCH better at knowing my own boundaries and setting them with other people. I even know when I need to separate myself from groups and take a break.
I've been having weird dizziness problems lately and it's getting really really bad. I'm going to the doctor today to see what the heck is going on because it's interfering with my life. Last night, I was so dizzy and nauseous that I was crying on the couch with my arm over my eyes thinking, "I'm going to die!" Yeah, it was bad.
I've been having issues with school lately, too. It's not so much that the people there are hard to handle, it's handling myself well enough to attend school on a regular basis. I'm trying, but it's so difficult, especially when my meds don't work right, I have people screaming at me in my head, I'm randomly so dizzy that I can't move, and I'm fighting this disease which is self injury.
I've also realized what a big problem this self injury thing is. I've been scratching, cutting, biting, etc. myself since I was like, twelve. However, I didn't draw blood that often and most of the time it was things like scratching a bugbite until it was so raw that I'd ripped a layer or two of skin off my arm or other body part and was bleeding and stuff. That, I just attributed to the fact that I pick at everything. However, I now realize that I was hurting myself.
Why, you may ask, would I do something so taboo? Why would I intentionally harm myself? Most people think that people who hurt themselves do so for attention. This is not always true. Sure, since the internet can give out information so easily, people have found that hurting themselves is a very good way to get attention, but there are some easy tells.
(I know I'm going off in random tangents, but I'll come back to other points soon.) Several easy ways to know that someone is not cutting, scratching, biting, etc. for attention are these:
They've told nobody. People who hurt themselves for reasons other than attention don't tell other people, because people will freak out and make them stop and they DO NOT want to stop. If they do tell someone, they usually are detached from their emotions and are doing so for very individualized reasons.
They hurt themselves in places that are easy to hide. Some places are the bottom of the forearm (long shirts hide it), the inside of the upper thighs (pants, duh), the top of the feet (shoes), etc. Sometimes, if something traumatizing has happened, they hurt themselves on the afflicted area. I've heard of people hurting themselves on their breasts, stomach, back of the neck, waist, hips, genitals, etc.
So there's a couple ways you can know if they're doing it for attention or not.
Why do I hurt myself? It's kind of complicated. You see, I associate pain with safety and affection. How did I end up doing something so messed up? I can't quite explain it, but I know that it has to do with my dad and the way he used to say extremely hurtful things to me. Therefore, I recreate those feelings by inflicting pain upon myself, physically and mentally. Not only do I hurt myself physically, but I say incredibly mean things to myself while I do it.
It happens like this: I have extreme anxious feelings and need to feel safe. Since I associate pain with safety, I hurt myself. Yes, I know, it's screwed up, but it's how my brain is wired. I'm currently rewiring my brain, but it's taking a long time.
Lately, I've realized what a problem this is because every time I find myself in an uncomfortable situation, I'm pressing my nails into my arm, picking my lips until they're sore and then using my teeth to scratch at them, yelling at myself in my head, and causing myself to be in situations where I'm very uncomfortable, such as making myself go out into the cold with bare feet and short sleeves or taking a shower that's so cold it hurts. I'm working on it though. Currently, I'm working on realizing when I do that sort of thing and then stopping myself. I'm doing fairly well.
In good news, I'm becoming more active. I don't sit around and watch anime all day anymore. I do productive things, like put music on my computer, do yoga, walk around, clean up, have conversations with people, etc. It's little things that make my day easier to bear.
So yes. That is what is currently happening. I'll post again later to let you know what's going on with my doctor's appointment and the such.
So, not much has been going on with me lately. I've been playing guitar so much that my arms are having circulation issues because of it. Do you think that will keep me from practicing until I physically can't move my fingers anymore? Noooope. :D
Uhm. Ooh! I'm doing a WHOLE BUNCH better at knowing my own boundaries and setting them with other people. I even know when I need to separate myself from groups and take a break.
I've been having weird dizziness problems lately and it's getting really really bad. I'm going to the doctor today to see what the heck is going on because it's interfering with my life. Last night, I was so dizzy and nauseous that I was crying on the couch with my arm over my eyes thinking, "I'm going to die!" Yeah, it was bad.
I've been having issues with school lately, too. It's not so much that the people there are hard to handle, it's handling myself well enough to attend school on a regular basis. I'm trying, but it's so difficult, especially when my meds don't work right, I have people screaming at me in my head, I'm randomly so dizzy that I can't move, and I'm fighting this disease which is self injury.
I've also realized what a big problem this self injury thing is. I've been scratching, cutting, biting, etc. myself since I was like, twelve. However, I didn't draw blood that often and most of the time it was things like scratching a bugbite until it was so raw that I'd ripped a layer or two of skin off my arm or other body part and was bleeding and stuff. That, I just attributed to the fact that I pick at everything. However, I now realize that I was hurting myself.
Why, you may ask, would I do something so taboo? Why would I intentionally harm myself? Most people think that people who hurt themselves do so for attention. This is not always true. Sure, since the internet can give out information so easily, people have found that hurting themselves is a very good way to get attention, but there are some easy tells.
(I know I'm going off in random tangents, but I'll come back to other points soon.) Several easy ways to know that someone is not cutting, scratching, biting, etc. for attention are these:
They've told nobody. People who hurt themselves for reasons other than attention don't tell other people, because people will freak out and make them stop and they DO NOT want to stop. If they do tell someone, they usually are detached from their emotions and are doing so for very individualized reasons.
They hurt themselves in places that are easy to hide. Some places are the bottom of the forearm (long shirts hide it), the inside of the upper thighs (pants, duh), the top of the feet (shoes), etc. Sometimes, if something traumatizing has happened, they hurt themselves on the afflicted area. I've heard of people hurting themselves on their breasts, stomach, back of the neck, waist, hips, genitals, etc.
So there's a couple ways you can know if they're doing it for attention or not.
Why do I hurt myself? It's kind of complicated. You see, I associate pain with safety and affection. How did I end up doing something so messed up? I can't quite explain it, but I know that it has to do with my dad and the way he used to say extremely hurtful things to me. Therefore, I recreate those feelings by inflicting pain upon myself, physically and mentally. Not only do I hurt myself physically, but I say incredibly mean things to myself while I do it.
It happens like this: I have extreme anxious feelings and need to feel safe. Since I associate pain with safety, I hurt myself. Yes, I know, it's screwed up, but it's how my brain is wired. I'm currently rewiring my brain, but it's taking a long time.
Lately, I've realized what a problem this is because every time I find myself in an uncomfortable situation, I'm pressing my nails into my arm, picking my lips until they're sore and then using my teeth to scratch at them, yelling at myself in my head, and causing myself to be in situations where I'm very uncomfortable, such as making myself go out into the cold with bare feet and short sleeves or taking a shower that's so cold it hurts. I'm working on it though. Currently, I'm working on realizing when I do that sort of thing and then stopping myself. I'm doing fairly well.
In good news, I'm becoming more active. I don't sit around and watch anime all day anymore. I do productive things, like put music on my computer, do yoga, walk around, clean up, have conversations with people, etc. It's little things that make my day easier to bear.
So yes. That is what is currently happening. I'll post again later to let you know what's going on with my doctor's appointment and the such.
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