This Scene Is Dead But I'm Still Restless...

So the last thing I talked about was my bad day.

I've had several other bad days since then, but nothing like that. I tried going to school once this past week but that didn't turn out so well. However, I'm going to school on Monday! Period!

Frankly, I'm exhausted. I'm tiiiired and sometimes I feel like giving up and just becoming a hermit in my basement. Actually, being a hermit in my basement doesn't sound too bad. ...Anyway...

I was thinking about this crap and life in general when I decided I can't give up. Not only would that be a surefire way to keep my anxiety close beside me at all times, but it would be royally selfish. Do you realize how many people I can relate to? Do you realize that since I can relate to people, I can help them (if they'll let me)? That's a freakin' lot of people. People whose lives might be changed because of a little help from someone who has already been through the same crap. So I can't give up and become a hermit. I've got stuff to do.

Plus, this can't last forever.

...Right?...

Anyhoozle. Moral of the story: I'm not becoming a hermit in my basement even if the idea is sounding increasingly good.

Next order of business: I have written a song. I have written a beautiful song that I wish to share with the world. :)

I wrote this song like, four years ago? God, a lot of things happened when I was twelve, which is beside the point. This song is about a girl who is attempting suicide. (She doesn't actually kill herself - someone finds her and saves her.) It hints at her past, which is rocky and difficult. "Once Upon a Feeling" is an emotional song that I <3 to play on the piano.

Here is a link to me playing the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGVqVlq1TZQ

There's a version of the song on my YouTube that is the computer playing the song, but I think I do it better, even if the sound quality is kinda crappy.

Another subject change!

Just a random passing thought, but when I write my blog, I don't edit myself. I write out a commentary of what is going on in my head. I write like I'm talking to someone, even if that person doesn't feel like responding to anything I say, therefore making our conversation into a monologue.

If I were to write like how I write instead of how I think, I feel that the blog would lack a certain pizazz that I think it somewhat has now.

It is now 8:56 and I am getting very sleepy. I think I shall go like, sleep or something. Maybe I'll curl up and play video games. I dunno. But I'm getting off the computer.

<3

Bad Day

Yes, I had a bad day after my amazing day.

My bad day started off really amazingly. I rode the bus and the kids on there are so sweet! I love them to death. :) Special thanks go to Madison (who undoubtedly doesn't read this because she's in 3rd grade) because she's my special friend. :))

Kids are so adorable. Madison helps me feel comfortable and accepted amongst the little kids. Thank youuu!

So anyway. School was pretty good. I had no panic attacks. Good, right? Well, no. I'd much rather have panic attacks than what happened.

I had an OCD problem (which I'm going to talk to my doctor about because it's getting to be a big issue). You see, I was working on my psychology class and there was a picture of a brain. I had the compulsion, after seeing the picture, to saw off my head and take out my brain. Completely irrational, right? Right. So I went down to the office and thanks to Officer Woolsey and Mrs. Pacheco (or however you spell it) for helping me out. Then the fun started.

At first, I thought I was having disconesia problems. Disconesia is when one side of your body shakes uncontrollably, your tongue lolls out to one side, and/or you lay your head against one shoulder uncontrollably, usually as a reaction to a medication. I was having issues with my tongue not wanting to stay in my mouth, my head was cocked to one side, and I was like, "Great. This crap... Again."

Turns out, it wasn't that crap. After a couple of minutes, I started seizing, somewhat big time. I fell out of my chair and went into spasms on the floor off and on for ten minutes. It was scary. To my utter embarrassment and chagrin, all students were kept in their classrooms and nobody was let out into the hallways... Uh oh. Not only was I spazzing on the floor of the school office, but I was holding up the regular school day. Heh. Oops.

Approximately ten minutes after it started, my mom got to the school and by then I was exhausted and done with the spazzing. I was TIRED. Freakin' tired.

My mom and I have talked and we think it was OCD problems, and not panic or reaction to my meds, but I'm gonna talk to my p-doc next time I'm over there and see what she thinks. :)

Stay mentally healthy, my friends! ((:

Just A Short Blurb

BIG STEPS HAVE BEEN TAKEN TOWARD ME BEING FUNCTIONAL IN SOCIETY!

Whew. Lemme start from the beginning.

So yesterday I went to my p-doc and she decided to change my ADD meds to something longer lasting. Yesterday morning was rough. I had a pretty bad panic attack before school started but the rest of my day was okay.

And then, today, I had NO panic attacks! NONE! It was amazinggg!!! Then, to top off my fabulous day, I got to spend time with Mitchell :)

Yes. I had a faaaaabulous day today and I even went to school! :)

Listening to Bohemian Rhapsody (:

Just an update.

As always, there's something new going on. No, I don't have any downtime... Ever. I go from drama to drama, but isn't that just life? Now, let me clarify drama - drama is NOT fighting with people or starting rumors. Drama is the crap I have to deal with in every day life.

First piece of drama to be addressed: I saw my dad last night. Dad and I don't have the best relationship, in fact, one might say our relationship is rather bad, but at least we have a relationship. Anyway, I saw him last night. I was kinda nervous, but it was alright. He's had a back surgery but he's doing well... Sort of. He's bored and lonely, but that's kind of to be expected.

Next piece of drama: I got a new computer! \/\/007. (For those of you who don't read 1337sp34k, that says "Woot".) It's an old lap top, but I only paid like $130 (Yippeee!) and I paid for it all on my own so it's MINE. :D The fact that it's MINE means that A) I can say, "NO! Don't touch my computer!" and B) I'm more likely to take better care of it because I paid for it with my own moneyy. Now I can be on my computer and not have to get off when someone wants to use it. Yeeeeehawwwww!

Last piece of drama: I didn't go to school today. I was too nervous as to what would happen if I was there and mom wasn't available. Plus, my meds are pretty screwed up and I learned that my ADD meds only last for 4hrs., which is utter bullpoopie. Yes, bullpoopie. However, I am going to school tomorrow and then I have an appointment with my psychiatrist after school. Fun stuff? Sure.

So there ya go. Oh! Mitchell's and my 8 month anniversary is on Thursday! :D

OH! AGAIN! lol (I really need to get my thoughts in order before I start blogging, eh?)

This weekend, I spent time with Mitch, Kristen, Chris, and David (boyfriend, best friend/cousin, best friend's boyfriend, and brother, respectively) and didn't freak out! O.O I know! It was nuts. We went to the haunted maze and flashlight maze at Country Corner (Alpha, IL). I'll put their website at the end of this post. It was a blast! There are like, 400 people with chainsaws in that frikkin' haunted maze. Blech. It was fun, though. (:

And, last but not least, a snippet of wisdom before I log off. I've found that in order to do what you need to, sometimes you have to shirk your responsibilities. No, I'm not telling you to stop doing what you need to be doing, but in the words of someone I hold very dear, "Sometimes, you have to just live." I've taken that to heart. As someone who grew up believing that my well being falls significantly farther behind everybody else's and that responsibility was to be put before happiness at all costs, it's heartening to learn that sometimes just mushing on the couch on a Monday morning and not putting myself through that much pain and grievance is sometimes a good thing. Not every Monday, but once in a while, it's good to just be.